How To Ruin Christmas For Everyone
Family Christmas celebrations are so long and boring. Your Nana Sylvia always wants to kiss you on the mouth, and your mom makes everyone sing Christmas carols. Liven things up this year with one of these great ideas for making the rest of your family as miserable as you are.
1. Bring “Homemade” Fruitcake
Buy the grossest-looking fruitcake you can find, wrap it in tin foil and some holiday ribbon, and tell everyone you made it yourself. Explain that it was really difficult, but you love your family so much that the extra work was worth it. Once you’ve guilted them into pretending how much they love your thoughtful gift, make sure everyone has a piece. Try not to laugh at the expressions on their faces when they’re trying to swallow it.
2. Give Everyone Handmade Gifts
Everyone loves hand-made crafts for Christmas! Instead of buying impersonal, store-bought gifts like iPods, cameras and fancy jewelry, make macaroni necklaces for everyone. Your girlfriend will particularly love this gift.
3. Bring All Your Dogs (Without Asking)
Be sure to feed them lots of beans before you leave home so they’ll fart all night. Encourage them to sit around the dinner table and beg. Laugh hysterically when they pee on the Christmas tree. Bonus points if you can get one of them to steal Aunt Jackie’s tofurky off the kitchen counter.
4. Wear Mistletoe On Your Belt
Ask your cousins, your step-aunt and your older brother’s girlfriend if they want to kiss you under the mistletoe. This is such a funny joke that you should keep it up all night long.
5. Make Your Special Version Of Turducken
Turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a rat. Yummy! Lots of other countries eat rat. I don't know why we American's gotta be so uptight about it. It's delicious and high in protein. For the most holiday fun, don’t tell anyone until they’ve finished eating.
6. Make Sure Uncle Jack Gets Plenty To Drink
Sober Uncle Jack is really boring, but when he drinks, Uncle Jack is a blast! He loves to tell stories about the time he got arrested for starting a bar fight, about how much better things were in the old days and how f*cked-up it is that America elected a terrorist for president. For hours of Christmas fun, make sure he’s always got a beer in his hand!
7. Hold An Intervention
There’s no better time than Christmas to confront your Great-Aunt Myrna about her wicked-bad eggnog habit. Make sure everyone in the family participates. Don’t stop until she cries and agrees to go to rehab.
8. Sing “D*ck In A Box” To Your Dad’s New Girlfriend
Not only will she think it’s a hoot, but you’ll make her feel like she’s part of the family.
9. Give The Same Gift To Everyone In Your Family: Lice
Instead of visions of sugarplums in their heads, everyone will get to go to bed with nits running around on their scalps. For a Christmas morning surprise, put RID in everyone’s stockings.
10. Have A Male Stripper Stop By Your Grandma’s House
Make sure to give her a roll of $1s to stuff in his G-string!
What are your favorite ways to ruin Christmas? Tell us your favorite holiday stories in the comments.