How To Seduce a Former Fatty
So you remember that kid from Bio who had that glandular problem?
Well he's got that fixed now and is 70 pounds lighter.
Guess what else? He's a hottie and a half. Who would've thunk it, right? Under all that fleshy goo was a sexmuffin just dying to get out.
So now you've got yourself a former fatty and you've gotta snag before he gets his self-esteem back, and before all the other bit*&es catch on that he's hot and start sniffing around.
Here's how to get him quick!
1. Fatten Up His Ego
Remember, this guy was fat, so his insecurities are still very... large. So say nice things about how good he looks. Don't lay it on too thick, and stay away from blatant thin words like "skinny minny" and "twig". You want to make him feel good. Not anorexic.
2. Make Sure to Befriend his Mom
Since that was pretty much his only friend for most of his life, she's kind of an important figure. You have to make sure you win the mom over or you'll get no where. Also, be prepared for a fat mom, just in case.
3. Offer Him Your 100 Calorie Packs
He's counting Calories, but he's still a Chubby McChuberson on the inside, so he'll want every crumb of that Oreo pack you've been saving in your backpack. Remember, with fatties and former fatties: FOOD=LOVE.
4. Schedule a Date to Watch 'Biggest Loser' Together
You can cuddle up next to him and hint at how much hotter he is than the contestants. And laugh together about how it doesn't matter how much hair you remove from your body, you'll still be a tub of lard when it comes down to weigh in.
5. Offer to take new Facebook Pictures of the 'new him'
He may be a bit camera-shy at first, since he probably avoided the camera for about 14 years of his life, but he'll transform in front of your eyes into the next Fabio if you continue to douse him with compliments as you shoot.
6. Tell Him He Could be Star Jones's Brother
If Star Jones was even remotely good looking.
Whose a fatty that you love fat, and don't want to get skinny?