How To Spot A Fake Nerd
In the past few years, it has become cool to be a nerd. I'm tired of people stealing my culture. These people have no personaility of their own. They pretend to be nerdy so that they have some sort of endearing quality about them. The truth is that they are terrible people. Fake nerds should be called out by real nerds just like in Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. It's time to stand up for yourself and take back the culture that is rightfully yours. This is how to spot a fake nerd.
They Bought Their Batman Costume At A Store
My favorite thing about nerd culture is how people make such awesome costumes. Real nerds spend days or weeks making their costume just right from scratch. It's really fun for people in the cosplay community to show up to cons fully decked out like their favorite character. Then there are other people who show up to cons dressed in a lame Batman costume that they bought on sale at a Big Lots. They're only there becuase they want to see some famous people and try to hit on the booth babes. The worst part is that they don't even know which Batman they are.
They Think Salacious Crumb Is The Name Of A New Bakery
A good knowledge of Star Wars is required for any decent nerd. The only exception to this rule is if you are a Star Trek nerd. Fake nerds are generally pretty good at pretending to know about Star Wars. They'll be the first ones to yell, "It's a trap!" in a crowded party. They probably don't know what "It's a trap!" means, but they know it's a thing. The way to catch this nerd is to tell them that you just heard about an awesome new bakery called Salacious Crumb. If they don't get that it's a Star Wars reference immediately then THEY LIVE IN A HOUSE OF LIES!
Their Nerd Obsession Is Fantasy Football
Fantasy football is fun. I play fantasy football. It's pretty much the only reason that I have any idea who any of the players are in the NFL. There are people that consider themselves nerds because they are really in to fantasy football and play in like 5 leagues. The fantasy part doesn't overpower the football part. Being really in to football does not make you a nerd. Calling yourself a fantasy football nerd is the same as calling yourself a bully nerd. "I'm just like really, really in to beating up kids for their lunch money. I'm such a nerd."
They Don't Know The Names Of The Characters On Their Clothes
There should be a rule that when you buy nerdy t-shirts that you have to be able to name the people on the shirt. Why would someone even want to wear a shirt with a bunch of people they don't know on it? It's because they recognize them enough to know that it's something nerdy and they want people to think that they're really cool for wearing a bunch of obscure references. This one is easy to spot because they keep refering the The Justice League as "The Avengers." DUH! WRONG COMICS UNIVERSE, IDIOT!
They Don't Own Any Dice With More Than 6 Sides
One of the staples of any nerd gamer is a good set of polyhedral dice. Dungeons and Dragons has been around for a long time so most fake nerds will claim to have played it. Sometimes they will agree to come play on a campaign because they tink it will up their nerd cred. This is the person at the game that is having to borrow other people's dice and books the entire game because they "forgot" them at home. If you're going to come in to my territory, at least have the decency to be kind of prepared.
Their Nerd Glasses Are Non-Prescription
This is the biggest crime any fake nerd could commit. There really are people who wear fake nerd glasses because they like the way it makes them look. I don't wear glasses because I think it's fashionable. I wear glasses because my eyes are terrible. I earned these things. If you are wearing fake glasses, that is the nerd equivalent to wearing black face. It should never be done by anyone.
What are some other ways to spot a fake nerd? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!