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How To Spot A Sensitive Pirate

Ladies always seem to be lusting for swarthy pirates, especially ones who wear white puffy shirts that are open to the waist, showing off their rippling pecs.

Unfortunately, most pirates are smelly, filthy, bloodthirsty alcoholics who are often missing a limb or two. Here are a few tips on how to spot the sensitive pirate when you're hanging out in the pirate bars. A word of caution, sometimes sensitive pirates are actually gay pirates.

1. He Reads Poetry

Most pirates can't read, so if you meet a pirate who reads poetry, you know he's definitely sensitive. He gets extra points if he competes in poetry slams with his own original sonnets.

2. He Wears Makeup

Although pirates traditionally don't wear makeup, they're awfully sexy when they do, especially when they look like Captain Jack Sparrow. Makeup doesn't always indicate a sensitive pirate, but when it's coupled with soulful brown eyes and a quivering lower lip, you know you've found a pirate who will hold you gently after you make sweet love.

3. He Prefers A Nice Merlot

Smelly, gross pirates swig rum from huge bottles. Sensitive pirates sip merlot while listening to classical music.

4. His Ship's Captain Is A Chick

If a pirate believes in women's lib, he'll have a female skipper. Just make sure she's not super-hot and slutty.

5. He Has A Rescue Parrot

Sensitive pirates don't buy their parrots in pet stores. They adopt them from parrot rescue because they don't want to add to the parrot overpopulation problem. Also note that a sensitive pirate wears his parrot on the right shoulder.

6. He Doesn't Try to Rip Open Your Bodice

Bodice-ripping and ravishing are pretty normal for most pirates. But sensitive pirates know that bodice-ripping is only appropriate after the third date. If your pirate restrains himself from opening your stays or tossing quarters in your cleavage, you've found a winner.

7. He Has A "Save The Whales" Bumpersticker On His Ship

Sensitive pirates believe in environmental responsibility, especially with regards to ocean wildlife. They're always on the lookout for people hurting dolphins or polluting whale habitats when they're out trolling the seas for ships to capture and rob. If you aren't sure a pirate really cares about the environment, ask to see his Greenpeace membership card.

8. He Manscapes His Beard

Sensitive pirates are usually metrosexual, meaning they have good hygiene and nicely trimmed beards that don't have any chicken bones stuck in them.

9. He Has A Little Pirate Lapdog

Traditional pirates have vicious three-legged guard dogs. Sensitive pirates have cute little lapdogs, and they love to dress them up in little outfits.

10. He Keeps His Sword Sheathed On The First Date

A sensitive pirate never draws his sword until you're ready to see it.

If you were a pirate, would you be sensitive or bloodthirsty? Tell us in the comments!

See 30 Pirate Demotivators

Tags: beard, bodice, corset, dachshund, Johnny depp, manscape, parrot, pirate, poetry, sensitive, ship, sword, wench