How To Stealth Text

It’s 2012 – we live in a fast world. Fast food, fast internet, juice fasts, Fast and Furious movies… When we send texts, we expect responses in a timely manner. After all, if it takes an hour before you get an answer, there’s a good chance the question has changed. But sometimes we get stuck talking to real people, and some real people don’t like when you send texts in front of them. Here’s are some tricks to stealth-texting at all those family dinners, seminar sections, and office meetings (NOTE: DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE OR SMOSH WILL EAT YOU).


The Eye Ninja

You probably already do this one without realizing it. Identify the moment when your in-person people are distracted, then, in an inconspicuous location, begin your text. Every few milliseconds, flit your eyes upward to make sure you are still in the clear. This might be a bit fatiguing, but if you’re doing it right, you’re going to end up looking like Ninja Cat.


Feed The Dog


Okay, so this one only works if there’s actually an animal (or under-table elf) around. I’m thinking you’re at a dinner party. What better excuse to spend a prolonged period of time with your back turned than to engage with the host’s beloved pet? You’ll get points for being friendly, and Woofie will never reveal that you’re sending booty texts to a politician. (NOTE: Do not feed the phone to the dog.)


The Sneeze ‘N’ Send


Best used in conjunction with The Eye Ninja, The Sneeze ‘N’ Send is employed in that final push when you have to use a little more hand-eye coordination to locate the “send” button. Place your phone inside a napkin, then screw your face up like you’re anticipating a sneeze. Lift the napkin to eye/nose level—this gives you a few extra seconds to locate the “send” button. Violently jerk your head forward and sneeze loudly; they’ll feel so bad for you they won’t notice when you don’t crumple the napkin on its way down.


The Jeeves


This one is a little trickier because it requires you to maintain a steady conversation simultaneous with the text. Bring up a subject neither you nor your in-person person know anything about, and then offer to google some relevant information on your phone. While you’re “googling,” you can actually just do your texting and make up some weird answer to what you were supposed to be finding out. If it’s discovered that your information was faulty, just blame it on yahooanswers.


The Prayer


This technique is recommended for those good at thumbs-only typing. The idea is that you’re finding a way to tilt your head down with your hands clasped (or at least appearing that way) in prayer – it’s an excuse to disengage that no one can question. Freedom of religion, leave me be!


The Real Housewife


Really in a bind? Flip the f$%^&ng table over. Yeah, you’re pissed. They’re scrambling to pick up plates. And you can send that “haha” text to your friend in peace. You got a problem with it, b#h$j?


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Check Out How Not To Text Girls!