How To Survive Black Friday
Nothing says Thanksgiving Day like the day after Thanksgiving and shopping on Black Friday. But before you get in line at 2 am and lose your mind by 6 am, make sure to read the following survival tips.
Keep Making Lists of All the Lists You are Making
Write down everything you ever hoped to buy cheap, including that elephant you wanted at age five. Then because things sell out quickly make another list of alternate purchases. Then because God likes to laugh at you by denying you everything you ever want, make an alternate to the alternate list. Keep writing lists down on paper, walls, your naked body, city property and squad cars, saying every possible purchase out loud again and again, louder and louder, so you never forget and the local authorities know you mean business.
Treat Shopping like “Call of Duty: The Assault on Walmart”
Black Friday is not for the weak. Or the sensible. Or for those who like to take pride in their actions. It’s a war minus all the things that actually define a war except the collateral damage and historians looking back and saying, “This was a mistake.” So before your attack that early morning, visit the store a few days beforehand and survey the land. Map out crucial aisles for shopping attack, discreet corners you can pee in since you’ll never have time to make it to the bathroom and any loose, heavy store fixtures you can topple on top of enemy shoppers to make sure no one gets your Elmo.
Prepare for Any Eventuality, Including You Getting into a Slap Fight with Someone’s Grandma
Purses, knapsacks and messenger bags are your enemy. Not just because they’re bulky and can slow you down but also by the point in the game you’ve probably already started losing your mind and now think your knapsack is planning to kill you or date your mom no matter how many times you scream at it not to in front of startled shoppers. However, you will need to bring a small emergency kit featuring such crucial items as a cell phone in case you get lost in the crowd, a bull horn in case you get lost in the crowd are really starting to panic and a flare gun in case you get lost in the crowd and you want everyone to know you’re armed so hands off the flatscreens.
Dress for Success
Like any situation in which you’re running for your life, either away from cops or towards a $20 GPS unit, you’ll want to dress as light as possible to allow for maximum movement and minimum heat exhaustion. So lose the winter coat, scarf, sweater, shirt and pants. Instead, wear nothing but running shoes, something that covers your genitals enough to avoid being arrested and a manic smile. For that extra touch put on a cape. That way you’ll appear both exceptionally speedy and make sure all the other shoppers give the practically naked lunatic who thinks they’re Superman plenty of space to get what he or she wants.
Within a few hours of shopping you’ll start to cry hysterically from lack of sleep, sensory overload and the realization that this is what your life has come to—screaming at absolute strangers that you will burn their lives to the ground and eat their ashes if they don’t let go of that Lalaloopsy Doll. But the more you cry, the harder it will be for you to see exactly where to punch/kick/bite/use a melonballer on someone just right so that they will let go of that Monster High Playset. So man up, wipe away those tears and remember—if you want your kids to have the most special holiday ever you better be prepared to destroy everything everyone else holds dear.
Stay at Home and Watch TV Instead
Sometime between the moment you’re entering the store with high hopes and being pulled away by store security for raining fists on an eight-year-old in crutches, you’ll realize you never should have shopped on Black Friday in the first place. And as the local—then national news—play and replay footage of your atrocities against humanity (all in the name of saving 60% on whatever the $%#* a Fijit is), you’ll look around at your fellow cellmates/shoppers and think, “This better not go in the annual Christmas letter.”
Did you hit any Black Friday sales yet? Tell us your horror stories in the comments!