How to Tell if Your Friend Is Now an Alien
Every day people are inhabited by extraterrestrial creatures (at least according to some Internet forum boards in desperate need of moderators). But how can you tell if a close friend’s body is now hosting an evil alien? With the following handy checklist…
Always carefree and a bit scattered brain, your friend now has an intense stare made all the more alarming by the absence of blinking and newfound ability to see through concrete for vital power lines. When asked what he wants to do Friday night he says, “Take me to your local missile silo,” “Go wherever there is uranium” or “Pay your President a visit.” Seems solely focused on one task until completely satisfied the earth has stopped rotating.
Now has a natural ease with most weapons, be they projectile, serrated or telepathic
For someone who majored in “Modern American poetry” your friend not only knows how to operate but actually acquire shoulder-launched missiles, drone aircraft and some ticking device they simply refer to as “the final stage.” Gets into fights in bars, police stations and underground intelligence bunkers far more regularly than usual, all of which end with everyone hemorrhaging the moment he screams. Curiously unfazed by bullets or unharmed by fire. Really, really wants those launch codes.
Not given to whimsical japes or gentle ribbing
Once the life of the party your friend now only smiles when the lit match he flicked hits the trail of gas he spilled just right so that the hospital explodes. Considers laughter—like love, sorrow and the inability to hover—further proof of mankind’s ultimate demise. When told a “Knock knock” joke he responds, “Enter and die.” When told a dirty joke he responds, “But why did he not simply impregnate her with his tail?” When tickled he absorbs that person’s hand.
Cats hiss in his presence
Horses get startled, children point and scream, birds drop from the sky, nuns burst into tears, the elderly bleed out, the unborn scream, sheep go bald, cattle dive off cliffs, elephants explode from fear and the trees do his bidding.
Quite adept at crawling on ceilings
Maybe it’s all those PowerBars he’s recently been consuming along with human souls but suddenly the guy once voted “Most likely to injure himself while clapping” can how perform a whole host of admittedly impressive physical feats like run exceedingly fast on all fours, push aside trucks, replicate himself or use his tongue to pick locks and remove still-beating hearts.
Killed over 1100 friends, family, coworkers, bystanders and orphans today
To say this hasn’t been a typical Tuesday is to put it mildly. But as cities and governments crumble, people run screaming in all directions, the sky actually burns and your friend won’t stop melting things with his eyes you eventually take a moment to step back, survey earth’s final moments and conclude, “You know, Josh was always more of a ‘work friend’ than an actual buddy anyway.”
What are some other signs? Let us know in the comments!