How To Tell You've Been Alone Too Long

Whether because you’re sick, unemployed, or a host of other reasons, sometimes you find yourself alone for longer than you would like. And sometimes you’re alone for so long you not only forget what it’s like to be around people but also what it’s like to behave in a “normal” or “non- unbelievably disturbing” fashion. Here are just a few signs to let you know exactly when you’ve reached that stage.

 

You’re Getting into Heated Arguments with Your Pets

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When you’re alone for far too long you start to get agitated. And then aggravated. And that’s when your “conversations” with your pet cat/dog/bird/sea monkeys take that turn from simply saying “No!” whenever they’re about to knock something over to loud, angry statements like “It’s not my fault you don’t look good in cocktail dresses!” “How the hell can you know you don’t like ‘Portlandia’ if you won’t even give it a chance?!?” and “That’s it! THAT’S IT! I obviously cannot have a polite conversation about politics with you!”

 

You’re Talking Out Loud to Yourself While Watching TV, Showering, Chewing

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People are social animals. We’re used to hearing the sounds of other people talking. So when that goes away because of isolation we begin to fill the void. It starts small with you telling the TV things like “Are you blind, ref?” and “Wait, I can get THREE Schtickeys for only $19.95?!” But soon you find yourself wandering around your apartment regularly exclaiming things like “Look who’s eating soup out of an ice cream cone!” “Who’s washing his armpits? I’M washing my armpits!” and “Are you crazy, me?! You can’t possible do the Electric Slide naked on our glass coffee table for nine straight hours! Oh yeah, me? Watch me!”

 

Your Appearance Is More Hobo-ish than Normal

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When you stop seeing people you also stop wondering—or caring—what people see in you. First your personal grooming takes a long, slow slide from “No need to shave today” to “No one will ever see that hunk of chicken hanging from my glasses anyway.” Jeans are dismissed in favor of sweatpants, which in turn are dismissed in favor of a dishtowel. You start eating beans straight from the can, pizza straight out of the freezer, and what may or may not be chocolate chips straight off the floor. Eventually you spend your days sitting in abject filth on your couch, playing the harmonica and singing such songs as “There’s Another Fungus on My Elbow” and “Is This March or November?”

 

You Can’t Stop Thinking about All the Reasons You’re Doomed

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Part of being around other people is that it gets you out of your own head. But when you’re always alone you don’t have distractions or even someone to calmly say, “I sincerely doubt you have Dutch Elm Disease.” Instead every little skin blemish, every little fear, every single attempt at home surgery just keeps swelling into bigger and bigger problems until you spend all your time staring at the mirror, looking online for various symptoms, and letting your neighbors hear you scream to yourself, “Oh God! The pimple on my shoulder proves I ingested my unborn twin in the womb!”

 

You’ve Given All Your Forks Back-stories

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Since you haven’t been able to fill your time with social activities, you start to pass your hours, day, and weeks away with whatever activity pops into your head. Initially you decide to clean up your place. Then you decide to organize everything alphabetically, meaning your clothes are now stored in the same place as your car and cat. Then you wonder what it would be life if all your stuff led these fascinating lives when you’re not looking. So you take everything out again, place all of it on your floor, and wait for something to happen…or something to start talking.

 

You’ve Completely Forgotten How to Be Around People

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Sooner or later any or all of the above will finally force to be with people again. Only problem is, you won’t remember HOW to be around people. You’ll go in for a handshake six blocks too early. You’ll laugh at all the wrong times during a eulogy. You’ll see that most people don’t like you trying to ride their dogs as horses. And that’s when you’ll realize you have to start the long, slow process to once more remembering that most people want you to wear pants in public.

What are some other signs you've been alone too long? Let us know in the comments!

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