How To Defeat A Hipster
So the other night I was at a party with some friends and there was this hipster there.
Now I get that "hipster" is a relative term, and to people in places like Tampa I’m probably a hipster just for wearing glasses. But this guy was hipster x hipster + hipster. He kind of looked like this…
Things got uncomfortable when he started making fun of me for saying that I liked the band, The Ramones. He smirked and said I didn’t know what music was. I wanted to hit this guy, but I realized that that is how he wanted me to feel. So I decided to sleep on it and come up with a better way for people to defend themselves against hipsters; while making sure they themselves keep their hipster Thetan level down. Something that can be universal and printed on stone tablets so we can live a higher quality of life in this crazy, cockamamie world. It can basically be done in 6 steps…
6. Talk about Creed and Dane Cook
This is a great way to get a feel for if there are any hipsters around if you’re in a new environment. Simply mentioning “With Arms Wide Open” causes abstract facial hair to dingle... make sure you act like they are new artists you’ve just discovered.
5. Love what they love
No matter how ridiculous it sounds. Every time they mention a band that takes their name from a Vonnegut book, you show interest as well. “I love those guys! I saw them in New York last summer.” You will see their blood boil as they try and prove you know nothing about the band. Simply deflect those accusations and the damage is done.
4. Make Eye Contact
Hipsters hate eye contact! Hence the facial mutilation. The longer the eye contact, the more likely you can get them to drop the act and back off.
3. Like your Job
“Man, working hard is so rewarding. I love earning my own independence one step at a time.” This is the equivalent of telling a Christian there is no God, or Bill Maher that there is one. Heads = exploding.
2. Just be Positive
It’s not about being right or knowing the most about My Morning Jacket or arguing over Kurosawa. It’s about realizing that our generation’s mission statement shouldn’t be “screw everything.” And who cares if someone else likes what you like? Over saturating your knowledge of esoteric bands and things on the internet, is an easy crutch to lean on to avoid learning tough, useful information. If we all just took our entertainment and culture less seriously than, oh say, cancer; we might just all get along after all.
1. Challenge them to a Duel with your New Super-Unheard of Eco-Friendly Laser Guitar
Hipsters HATE eco-friendly laser guitars. You have to like, know a guy to get one, and they’re only available in super underground warehouse stores in LA and Park Slope. Not a big deal, whatever.
Do you have any more hipster-defeating advice? Leave your advice in the comments or Tweet it to me @DanBorrelli and I’ll pass it along!