How To Trick-Or-Treat (As An Adult)

Trick-or-treating as an adult can mean anything from visiting friends’ houses dressed as Darth Vader to wandering around your neighborhood in a Hazmat suit and carrying a loud radiation detector…a full week before Halloween. But to do it right you should pay special attention to the following advice…

 

Go with Your Kids

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Even though Halloween has increasingly become a time for adults to dress up as Hooker Nurses, Hooker Pirates, Hooker Na’vi or multitasking Hooker Pimps, it’s still first and foremost a children’s holiday. So when you go trick-or-treating, make sure to do it while chaperoning your kids. (You can even dress your kids in shirts two sizes too big and have them go door-to-door requesting food staples.) Otherwise, if you go alone you’re a full-grown person wearing a mask and knocking on people’s doors at night, demanding to be fed, making threats, and reminding everyone of the scene in “Unbreakable” when the stranger comes to the family’s front door and says “Nice house. Think I’ll take it.”

 

Network

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When taking your kids door-to-door for trick-or-treating, make sure to ask the parent at each house if their company is hiring, if they could put a good word in for you or if you could simply enter their home and give a 15-minute PowerPoint presentation on why their business can’t go another fiscal quarter without your expertise, all the while as your kids wander aimlessly into the dark, foreboding woods unchaperoned. And when kids come asking for candy at your house, make sure to give them a copy of your resume and ask when’s a good time to call them to follow up on any possible job leads.

 

Don’t Settle Old Scores

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Yes, part of the phrase “Trick-or-Treat” does indeed focus on possible mischief-making. But doesn’t mean you can use the holiday as an excuse to right perceived wrongs or get revenge on your neighbors through eggs, toilet paper or a beer keg you clearly have no intention of getting your deposit back on because you just hurled it through the bay window of that jack*** across the street. Also, don’t make any passive-aggressive attempts at getting even by putting fake tombstones on your front lawn featuring the names of people you don’t like or telling neighbors’ kids scary stories in which their parents are either the serial killer or the victim of a brutal supernatural demise courtesy of a character who shares your very name.

 

Don’t Use Your Costume to Make a Political Statement

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Halloween is a time for adults to use their costume as a chance to be aggressively sexy, express their undying love for a beloved movie character or show just what a 45-year-old man’s obsession with “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” looks like when brought out in the cold light of day. It’s NOT a time to use fabric, masks and makeup to display your disagreement with current or potential federal policies, get in heated exchanges with neighbors in an outfit you’ve dubbed “Mad Hatter Tea Party Candidate” or scream “HULK SMASH!” whenever the candygiver politely disagrees with your take on health reform.

 

Remember the Fine Line between “Scary” and “Potential Incarceration”

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While it’s true the world needs another triangle-eyed jack o’ lantern like it needs another smallpox epidemic, there is something to be said for traditional Halloween “scares” such as dressing up as some unbelievably terrifying horror movie character like Freddy or Jason or Bella. However, remember how far you can take such scares. Screaming “BOO!” while jumping out from behind a tree Halloween night and waving a fake axe is fun. Screaming “BOO!” while jumping out bloody and naked from someone’s shower a good three weeks later and waving the cut brake cable to the car that person’s spouse just drove off in, though, may not be greeted with laughs.

 

Go Sober

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Though more and more adults party on Halloween (including bobbing for apples in vodka), try to keep your drinking to a minimum. After all, no one wants to be remembered for the costume “Bombed A**hole Who Made Out with Our Mailbox and Then Peed on Our Roses.” Plus, drunkenly shouting “BRING IT ON!” whenever kids say “Trick or treat!” at your door will only result in a visit from your local police and if you get into a bar fight while dressed as “Flower” from “Bambi” we all die a little inside.

 

What are some other tips for trick-or-treating as an adult? Let us know in the comments!

 

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