How To Use A Public Restroom And Not Be An Idiot

I don't know about you but I absolutely can't stand it when I have to use a public restroom. Sure it's fine at a nice restaurant or a fancy hotel, but I'm talking mall food court or greyhound bus station public. So I came up with a few simple rules that will make the dreaded descent into public restroom hell, not so dreadful. 

 

Learn How To Aim, People!

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Ladies, and trust me I use that term very loosely, I know you don't wanna sit on the seat because people pee on it. Well lemme just inform you of something, YOU are the ones that are friggin' peeing on the seat!

And men, I don't know what your excuse is. You even have a convenient urinal cake to use as a bullseye. Just don't hit it with a racehorse style stream or your fellow men will all be living in the United States of urine. I don't even wanna know what the sign means when it says no "bowel movement in a urinal," but the janitor who had to deal with that deserves a friggin' raise!

 

Don’t Invade Other People's Personal Space

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Don't use the urinal right next to someone if there are other options. It's creepy. And there are ways to see if someone is in a stall other than looking through the door crack. Besides invading someone's privacy, you can really damage your psyche. You do NOT wanna see a person dealing with a Panda Express related bathroom disaster.

 

Never Pull Your Pants All The Way Down

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Call me old-fashioned, but some people are far too comfortable being nude in public. Seeing something like this would actually make me feel itchy. I mean while I wanna wear a hazmat suit in a public restroom, apparently some people feel comfortable walking around with a standing invitation for parasites to latch on to their nether regions. Can we give these people some kind of scarlet letter of shame?

 

Wash Your Friggin' Hands!

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There are instructions on how to wash your hands, especially written for dummies all over the bathroom...so you really have no excuse. But please, no other washing needs to happen. I don't wanna see you clean your sweaty arm pits or wash your dirty children in the sink. That's what truck stop bathrooms are for.

 

No Talking On Your Cell Phone

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Is anything really so pressing that you can't wait a few minutes to speak to someone? It's kind of rude, no? I just love speaking to someone and then hearing the sound of a toilet flushing. At least it explains the strained sound in their voice during our conversation. If you're gonna do this you should make sure to dip your phone in Purell afterwards! Someone may borrow your cell and get your penis germs all over their hands. Okay. Must remember to never borrow someone's cell phone again.

 

Don't Let Your Kids Run Wild

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Is there anything more annoying than having to politely tell a child to go away when they're sticking their head under your stall door? I mean, other than actually having to raise a child? It's not my fault you decided to breed! This is just one of the reasons children, although adorable, are the filthiest creatures on earth. 

 

Don't Hog The Mirror

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I wanna get in and out as fast as possible. I don't have time to wait for you to re-paint your bloated anus-looking lips and take sexy-mirror pics.

 

If You're Gonna Vandalize...Do It Right!

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This is boring and uninspired. It is the word equivalent of what we flush down the toilet.

The following, however is not only thought-provoking, it also helps you forget the 8,000 new viruses and bacteria you're currently exposing your most vulnerable areas to. Thank you, good sir! Who says vandals offer nothing to society?

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What are the things people do in public restrooms that you can't stand? Let's discuss in the comments!

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