Idiot's Guide to Owning A FRIGGIN' Dog

Dogs are the coolest! Everyone should own a dog! But it's a lot of work. A lot of people get a dog and assume it's going to be nothing but slipper fetching and snuggling. Those types of people usually own dogs that try to BITE ME when I'm trying to go FOR A SIMPLE MORNING RUN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Owning a dog is a lot of work. No. Really. HARD WORK. Yes, it's very rewarding, but you have to put in some effort. Cool dogs aren't just born, they have cool owners, who 'get' dogs and know how to train them and take care of them. Here's a guide for bad dog owners to help you cut through your self-imposed NONSENSE so that you can stop pissing me RIGHT THE HELL OFF with your sh*tty dog parenting skills.

 

1. Put Your Dog On A Leash ALL THE DAMN TIME

Are you going to leave your house with your dog? THEN PUT IT ON A LEASH. Don't you even START with excuses. I WILL END YOU.

"But I have a good dog!" you whine. "He would never run away!" THAT IS A LIE. Dogs like to run free. It's in their nature. No matter how well trained they are they might see a cat or a squirrel and run after it. Not to mention that it upsets the dog world. When people with dogs, have to walk by some jacka$$ who is walking their dog off a leash, the dogs get all aggressive and act weird and it's your fault for not putting your dog on a leash. Not to mention IT'S THE LAW FOOL! Put a leash on him every SINGLE time or expect people like me to yell at you.

 

2. Drop Some Money On Your Dog Food

"Uggghhh! My dog is tired all the time! He never wants to play!" SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND BUY HIM SOME FOOD WITH SOME PROTEIN ALREADY. If you keep giving him Purina brand Sawdust and Sadness, of course he's not going to have any energy! That kind of garbage is ALL CORN, AND CORN HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE FOR DOGS. You may as well feed your dog a drawing of food.

 

3. Don't Get An Ugly Dog And Expect Me To Get All GUSHY Over It

People spend a lot of money on some very expensive and uglya$$ dogs... then they expect people like me to lie to them and tell them how cute their ugly dogs are. Sorry, but I WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING YOU THAT YOUR DOG IS UGLY. This doesn't make me a bad guy. It might however make you a crybaby.

 

4. Teach Your Dogs Tricks Because They're Interesting And Funny

I can NOT EMPHASIZE this enough. It's awesome when a dog can do things like stand on its' hind legs and twirl around. TEACH YOUR DOG TO DO THIS BECAUSE IT IS VERY CUTE.

 

5. Pick-Up After Your Dog

Don't like picking up dog poop? DON'T GET A DOG DUMMY! If you're gonna own a dog you're just going to have to get use to the fact that you have to pick up dog poop... a lot of dog poop... EVERY day and EVERY time they poop somewhere that is not your personal property... unless you train your dog to pick up it's own poop.

 

6. Don't Talk To Your Dog Like A Baby

RIGHT. They're soooo CUTE you don't realize you're doing it. Well you know what? You ARE doing it, and its time to man the hell up AND KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF... even if you're a girl.

 

7. Train Your Dog With ACTIONS, Not WORDS

"Roscoe, come her boy! Come here! No, come here! Roscoe! Come. Here!" ARE YOU INSANE? If your dog doesn't do what you are asking by the first or second time, you have not trained your dog well and I don't want to hear your annoying voice trying to reason with an animal that doesn't speak English... or any human language for that matter. You're not going to teach your dog to do something by reasoning with him/her. Try TRAINING your dog with actions -- a treat when he's good, a reprimand when he's bad. This may come as a HUGE SHOCK for you, but try and follow along. Your. Dog. Is. A DOG. IT CANNOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH. For the love of God watch the Dog Whisperer or read a book or something.

 

8. Don't Put Your Dog In A Purse

Are you JOKING me? A dog in the purse? And you say that whenever you take him out of said purse, he just shakes and stands still? WELL THAT'S A HUGE SURPRISE. You've trained him to be afraid of the world! Might as well take him to the taxidermist right now, you horrible monster person!

 

9. Adopt A Dog From The Shelter

Sure, you're saving a life when you rescue a dog and that's cool but what's even better is that you get some crazy dog that looks like nothing you've ever seen before! The best dogs out there are shelter dogs. You see one Yorkie, you've seen them all... but show me a pit-husky-shep-chi-weenie mix with one blue eye and one brown eye who is missing an ear and has a bent tail! That's something I want to see!

Do you GET IT now? Are you ready to raise a super cool crazy-obedient dog that everyone wants to hang out with? What other things do bad dog owners do that piss you off? Let's teach these jerks to be better dog owners in the comments below.

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