If 6 Dangerous Sea Creatures Lived in Bikini Bottom
The world of Bikini Bottom is a fun-filled, magical place that brings delight to viewers of all ages. And that’s because the creators of “Spongebob Squarepants” knew to populate it with the most harmless, adorable characters possible. But what if they decided to introduce one or more of marine life’s deadlier creatures? Here’s how that could drastically alter both the town and show itself…
Great White Shark
Cartoon characters need all their facial features—especially their eyes—to express their wants and emotions. So imagine how disturbed and disoriented Squidward would be if a Great White Shark entered the Krusty Krab, swam up to the cash register, and looked directly at him with his dead-eyed stare, the shark’s only emotion betrayed by five rows of smiling teeth backed by thousands of pounds of muscle. Then the shark would constantly move back and forth—either out of hunting regimen or because he drank too many kelp shakes—before he picked up the scent of blood from raw Krabby Patties. And that’s when the feeding frenzy would begin, starting first with the restaurant’s staff, then its customers, then that unlucky guy who only came to use the bathroom, and then Plankton just as he is finally about to steal the recipe (or just a few bucks from the cash register).
Everyone knows that one of Spongebob’s favorite pastimes is catching jellyfish like butterflies. But what if a box jellyfish were to become ensnared in his little net? Well, first the pain from its sting would be so unbelievably excruciating that Spongebob would immediately go into anaphylactic shock. That’s because each box jellyfish has enough venom to kill up to 60 humans, resulting in more deaths in Australia than snakes, sharks, and crocodiles combined. And so little kids and stoned college students would be forced to watch in dead silence for a short three-minute episode as Spongebob experienced piercing abdominal pain, cardiac arrest, and explosive diarrhea before eventually floating lifeless to the surface.
The perfect candidate for a “special episode” about how beauty isn’t skin-deep and its who you are on the inside that counts, the stonefish would instantly undercut any such good feelings by stabbing the entire cast with its poisonous dorsal fin. Then the viewers would be left watching the skin around Spongebob’s wound die before months of excruciating swelling and almost certain amputation. And since its appearance makes it look like just some rock on the ocean floor, the show would end with Patrick thinking he’s lifting his home to go to sleep only to let out a bloodcurdling scream as the screen fades to black.
Perhaps one of the most beautiful creatures under the sea, the lionfish would certainly be the object of affection for a lovestruck Spongebob. Soon our main character would be so head-over-heels for the fish that he would start to see her everywhere he goes. But that would only be because the lionfish is a highly invasive species that completely overtakes and overwhelms marine environments, since few predators can survive its venomous spines. And so by episode’s end the entire population of Bikini Bottom would be displaced from their homes and consuming each other because the thousands upon thousands of lionfish would have purchased all the real estate and eaten not only the patties but even what’s left at the Chum Bucket.
At only 8” long, the blue-ringed octopus would get lost in almost any crowded restaurant scene in “Spongebob Squarepants,” as it quietly fed on small crabs or maybe Gary. And because of its tiny, quiet nature, none of the townspeople would realize that this cephalopod is in fact the “Bikini Bottom Serial Killer,” packing venom that is more than 10,000 times deadlier than cyanide. And since few ever feel its sting, customers could start suddenly dropping dead in large waves at the Krusty Krab, causing the fast-food joint to be closed and its owner wrongly jailed for life for callous food poisoning. Of course, the blue-ringed octopus only attacks if provoked, which would occur whenever Spongebob appeared.
Okay, Godzilla doesn’t actually exist. But we are talking about a place where a crab has somehow fathered a whale and the main character looks like he should be scouring kitchen countertops. Besides, every “Godzilla” movie features the creature rampaging on land, giving us very little idea of what his life is like when he’s underwater and not tripping over power lines. And so one can imagine that Godzilla happily greets each morning down in Bikini Bottom by shrieking, crushing the townspeople under his feet, and burning their entire world to unrecognizable oblivion before picking up his daily paper and going to get brunch.
What creature would you like to see terrorize Bikini Bottom? Let us know in the comments!