If The Original Lorax Story Had Corporate Sponsors

Most of us have seen the commercial in which the Lorax and his furry friends happily watch as a Mazda tears through their beloved forest, thereby going against everything we thought we knew about the character.

 

 

But what if the good Dr. Seuss had used this cross-promotional approach when he was first writing “The Lorax”? How would the book have turned out? Here’s a sneak peek at what could have been had the author sold his soul like the movie producers did…

 

Trees Replaced with Cell Phone Towers That Look Like Trees

When all his beloved and beautiful truffula trees are chopped down to make “Thneeds,” the Lorax is beyond heartbroken. But when the trees are replaced with cellular towers designed to look like trees, the little orange fellow is beside himself with joy as he’s finally able to get full reception on his Sprint phone. The story ends with the Lorax happily calling friends and family as he exclaims, “You won’t believe where I’m calling from—the middle of nowhere!”

 

Local Animals Get Jobs at Newly Constructed Mall

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The trees may be down but that’s not the end of the story. With a newly flat land comes a new shopping mall, “The Truffula Galleria,” lovingly named after what it has replaced. Better yet, all the displaced animals can now earn minimal wage helping customers find just the right sneakers at Journeys Shoes, trying not to devour all the waffle cones at Cold Stone Creamery because their food chain has been broken, and having hundreds of places to frolic in during mall business hours, after which they have to find a new land or nearby trash can to call home for the night.

 

The Lorax Makes a New Friend—a Chainsaw

In order to appease a logging industry that has long believed the book is anti-business propaganda, the Lorax gets a new buddy—a Craftsman 42cc 18” Chainsaw. The chainsaw explains to the title character that not only is wood really, really tasty but it also needs to feast on trees regularly or it will die. And so they split the truffula forest evenly, with the chainsaw getting one half for dinner and the Lorax getting the other half to protect—until the chainsaw wants dessert.

 

Once-ler Provides Detailed Pricing and Shipping Information for Thneeds

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Why just mention a product when you can sell it throughout the book? Every so often in the story the Lorax turns to the readers and announces, “We’ll be right back after these important messages.” That’s followed by several full-color catalogue pages showing the whole line of fashionable thneeds, perfect for a summer’s stroll, a winter’s day, or placing in your garden next to all that useless crap your parents bought from Frontgate and Sky Mall. Then the book closes with a drawing of the Lorax wearing a phone headset and saying, “I’m standing by to take your order, kids. So call now!”

 

The Trees Say They’re Bored and Want to Visit Home Depot

As everybody knows, the Lorax speaks for the trees. But what we don’t know is precisely what the trees are telling him. And so we find out that the truffulas are bored of just standing around in one place for hundreds of years. They want to pull up their roots and see all the exciting things they have heard about, especially the great selections and unbeatable prices at their local Home Depot. And so the Lorax makes their dreams come true by yanking them out of the ground and taking them to their dream destination, where their first—and last words—are “I smell cedar flooring.”

 

Lorax Covered in Sponsors Patches like a NASCAR Driver

Having gone this far down the sponsorship hell hole, the Lorax gives up any pretense of speaking for the trees and instead serves as the spokescharacter for any company that can sew a patch to his hairy body. And so is born the Lorax’s new catchphrase, “I speak for Best Buy/Valvoline/Zest.”

 

What are soem other companies the Lorax should take on as sponsors? Let us know in the comments!

 

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