Important Things About Life That I've Learned From Katy Perry Songs
Katy Perry is famous for many things but probably nothing more than her chichis and her powerful lyrics. She's like a Bob Dylan with boobies. There is nothing she can't do wordwise! Rhyme moon and boom? Yeah she went there. Spell things unnecessarily weird? Gurl u kn0 it! Write a plastic bag simile? First and last to do that! But her lyrics are more than just poetry, they contain important lessons about life and love. Here's just a few things I've learned from some of her most well-known songs.
I Kissed A Girl--Girls Who Kiss Other Girls To Be 'Bad' Are Stupid
I'm sure a girl kissing another girl was really taboo...50 years ago. These days I'm pretty sure it's a graduation requirement at most universities. You don't see me bragging about the fact that I kissed my cat. Yeah, I kissed a cat and I liked it. She tasted of Purina One. That's how I roll, b*tches!
Peacock--Not All Guys Will Whip Out Their Peacock On Demand
It took me a few listens to get it, but peacock is actually a euphemism for something else, you guys! This is why you really have to think when listening to Katy, because the levels of meaning go really deep, y'all. I'll just say that Katy is NOT asking a boy to show her his flamboyantly-plumed bird. This song taught me that, despite popular assumptions, guys also can be chaste when it comes to exposing their private parts. And by guys I mean ones with the last name Bieber or Jonas.
Teenage Dream--Go "All The Way" With A Guy Who Tells You What You Want To Hear
So he thinks you're pretty without makeup on and he thinks you're funny when you get the punchline wrong? Go all the way! He could be the one, you never know! Just don't be surprised when you wake up alone in your motel sheet fort. And hold your head high when you do the walk of shame in your skin-tight jeans. You'll wake up from your teenage nightmare in a few weeks.
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)--Blacking Out = AWESOME TIME!
It seems sad that the greatest time of your life will be lost to an alcoholic black-out, but apparently that's how fun times work! Luckily, you'll have the humiliating online pictures to remember it by. But the most important lesson this song imparts to us? Ginger ale cures more than just an upset stomach and nausea, it also alleviates the sick feeling you get from committing an epic fail!
E.T.--Some Girls Want To Get An STD!?
Infect me with your love? Fill me with your poison? I wanna be your victim? Let's just say I don't think Katy Perry will be writing a Valentine's Day card collection for Hallmark anytime soon. Lovers of the herp seem like a very small market share.
Firework--Everyone Is Special
Everyone is unique in their own unoriginal way. Although I'm not so sure about exploding yourself on strangers to prove your point. That's probably a felony.
California Gurls--California Girls Don't Have Weenies
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, NO WEENIES? Yep. It's true. California gurls have no weenies. So boys, if you're looking for girls with meat sticks, you'd best try Nebraska. They don't call it the beef state for nothing!
Ur So Gay--Nothing Distracts You From Noticing Terrible Lyrics More Than Big Boobies
You're so sad, you should buy a happy meal? I hope you hang yourself with your H & M Scarf? Wait a minute...these lyrics are friggin'...
What have you learned from Katy Perry? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!