Lies Children's Movies Have Lead Us To Believe
I started rooting through the old movies my mom has stored down in her basement, and I've found a lot of children's movies. Since I was recently let go from my job and don't have anywhere to be, I've been watching them. And let me tell you, these movies are filled with lies! Everywhere I turn it's "happiness" THIS or "you can be successful if you try" THAT, and I'm all come on! Here are the movies that I found told the most egregious lies.
Up - The World Is Full Of Adventure
Pixar's Up makes tells us that the world is exciting and magical and wherever we look we might find a new species of bird or talking dog or old man who isn't sleeping or watching The Price is Right. And while this may technically be true, the world is incredibly vast and there is a lot to explore, practically speaking, our lives generally don't venture outside of a four block radius. Think about it- have you been anywhere besides your house, school, or place of business in the past three weeks? I know I haven't been anywhere besides my computer desk and Taco Bell for like three weeks straight and I've found no magic or wonderment to speak of.
Toy Story - Our Toys Are Alive Behind Our Backs
The obvious lie here is that toys come to life when you turn away and whine about how little you play with them. But the reason I find this so infuriating is that there's no metaphysical line being drawn. The Toy Story characters play a Super Nintendo game. Why isn't the cartridge alive? The system itself? Furthermore, what does it imply when the cartridge is inserted into the system? I guess now the title of the fourth Toy Story movie, Toy Story After Dark, makes a little more sense.
I suppose that if video games want to be played with, then this copy of Call of Duty Black Ops is the happiest toy of all time - I've played with it forty three of the alst forty five hours.
Aladdin - No Such Thing As A Social Class
Aladdin tells us that a street rat can marry a princess if he's pure of heart and initially looks like a prince. This tells us that it doesn't matter what your social class is as long as you're pure of heart. This is the biggest lie of all time. To any girls reading this, think about all the homeless men you've met. Does it matter if they're good people on the inside? No! It matters that they're eating a rat in front of you and smell like engine oil.
All Dogs Go To Heaven - All Dogs Go To Heaven
Studies indicate that only about 98 percent of dogs go to Heaven. Now, granted, that's a lot of dogs going to Heaven, but "all" is a superlative. It's like saying you have two best friends. Can't happen.
Elf - Executives Secretly Have A Heart Of Gold
It doesn't matter how many illegitimate elf man-children come down from the North Pole, no business executive has a soul. They'll send your job out to China without a moment's hesitation if it helps their bottom line.Teaching an executive the true meaning of Christmas is as likely to happen as teaching a wolverine to bark rainbows, and that doesn't even make any sense.
Willy Wonka - Hard Work Pays Off
When the Wonka Company announces that there are five Golden Tickets hidden amongst an infinite number of Wonka bars, Charlie works harder than anyone has ever worked on anything to get one. But after eating all that candy, the odds say he's less likely to get a Golden Ticket than he is to get Diabetes. Then Charlie will have to set an alarm so he remembers to stop playing Black Ops and take my insulin because I can never remember to.
Harry Potter - Death Isn't A Big Deal
The heroes of the Harry Potter universe accept their demises as inevitable and die bravely. Voldemort, on the other hand, so fears death that he tries to avoid it by ripping his soul all apart. Here's the thing- Voldemort's position makes sense. Death is literally the worst thing that can happen to you. Imagine every good thing that's ever happened to you. When you die, all that is over. You think Snape's lying there in his casket thinking about how happy he is to have played a part in the Wizarding War? You think maybe he's more likely to be thinking about how he won't ever again be able to eat Chalupas, vote for new Mountain Dew Dewmocracy flavors, play the Outrageous! level in Super Mario World, or even...
Holy crap. We could die at any moment. What will my life have been? What will I have done with my days? A resolution- from now on, things are going to change! I'm going to take the glasses out of my room as soon as I finish drinking from them! It's a brand new day!
Do you think children's movies have lied to you? Or you do you feel just as refreshed and jubilant about life as I do? Let's talk about it in the comments!