The Life Of A Santa Elf

We know a lot about Santa thanks to books, cartoons, movies and all those court hearings. We even know a lot about Santa’s reindeer. But we hardly know a thing about the true heroes of the holidays: those tireless, nameless elves. That’s why I present to you a few facts about the people who make your toys and Santa’s fleet of cars.

 

Elves Spend Their Off-Time Spreading Rumors

With nothing to do outside of work but freeze to death, watch coworkers freeze to death or wish you had frozen to death when it’s time for work, the elves spend countless hours spreading rumors. And so they talk and talk about Santa (NORAD follows him because he delivers plutonium to rogue nations), Frosty (when he gets really lonely he uses snow to make himself breasts) and Hermey (he accidentally killed his first 60 patients).

 

Elves Live in a One-Factory Town

The upside to living in a one-corporation town is that Santa hires everybody, including elves, deer, even undocumented Abominable Snow Monsters. The downside is that without any other professions in town the elves have to make their own dialysis machines out of Legos.

 

Each Elf Has a Unique Skill

Santa places each elf in a specific toy factory depending on what they majored in during Elf Community College (famous for its Fisher Price Air Conditioning and Refrigeration courses). So some elves make toy cars, some elves make iPads and some elves spend their days making nooses and hanging themselves from the rafters because they work in the Bratz Doll factory.

 

Elves Sometimes Get Sick of Christmas

Imagine celebrating one holiday, every day, for all eternity. Now imagine if that day was St. Patrick’s Day and you constantly drank because that’s what Santa’s elves would rather be doing. Instead every day they wake up to Christmas music, eat Christmas sugar plums for breakfast, make Christmas toys all day and then go home to decorate their Christmas trees, watch Christmas cartoons and write Christmas cards all with the same Christmas greeting inside—“Dear God, won’t someone get me the hell out of here?!?”

 

Elves Want to Better Themselves

Elves want to do more than just make toys. They want to be paid cash for making toys, not in Kringle-Os that can only be used at Kringle Stores (none of which sell food). They want to be able to form a union without also having to build the toy robots Santa uses to crush that union. And they want real weapons instead of Nerf guns whenever Santa forces them to invade Greenland.

 

The Elves Work for an A**

Santa may be a hero to millions of children, but that’s because he doesn’t post-date their paychecks by two months. Whether making the elves pretend that they’re his kids whenever the IRS shows up, forcing the elves to go deep underground to mine for tinsel or giving each elf the colorful nickname “Schmuck,” Santa Claus has made few friends in the North Pole…unless you count the polar bears, who chase elves on his command.

What do you think the life of an elf is like? Let us know in the comments!

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