Michael Bay Is Making The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...ALIENS???

Hey Michael Bay, stop taking craps all over my childhood. First he made the Transformers into unlikeable patriots who for some reason no one can understand actually liked hanging out with Shia Lebeouf.

 

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I'm not likeable!

 

And NOW he's taking the Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles and FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER completely rewriting their origin story. Their awesome origin story where toxic waste fell on ordinary turtles and turned them into NINJA TEENAGERS.

 

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I love you, toxic waste.

 

That origin story is a) awesome and b) makes us confront issues as diverse as the environment and  the problem of nuclear power. Not to mention that I'm partial to that origin story because it's what I grew up with. Michael Bay doesn't give a crap about any of that though. He just wants to use his infinite money, stupid politics, and complete lack of anything resembling creativity to make the turtles come from outer space. Why do they come from outer space? Because they're weird and that's where weird things come from? Stop putting in space in everything! It was bad enough when Leprechaun went to f*cking space. What the hell was a Leprechaun doing in space? They can't live in space there are no clovers in space. Now the turtles are from space. Someone stop this! God, Allah, Zeus, Shiva, SMITE THIS MAN.

 

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Michael Bay hates us. He spends all his free time shooting at children from his balcony.

 

The film will be directed by Jonathan Liebesman, who directed "Battle: Los Angeles." Which was a movie that was almost as creativity and humanity free as Michael Bay's coal black heart is. Since "Battle: Los Angeles" was almost universally hated we can only assume that Jonathan and Michael are tennis buddies and spend their days laughing at how rich they have made themselves. Getting rich by making movies that actually suck all the goodness out of us and turn it into money that they then force immigrants to sew into $100 bill pajamas for them to wear to bed.

 

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Pictured above: Michael Bay makes two children carry bricks bath and forth all day before he shoots them, drinks their blood, and then goes to bed content.

 

Boomstick comics reports that Michael Bay has said, "These turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely lovable." Oh, phew. Because for a second I thought you were going to say, "These turtles are from an alien race, and they're going to be autistic, terrified, ugly, and instead of faces they'll have extra butts."

 

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In order for the ninja turtles to be from space you would have to assume that turtles exist on other planets, that they speak English on those planets, and that they know karate on those planets. None of those things make sense. What does make sense is that nuclear waste would turn turtles into teenagers who speak English and fight crime. GET IT STRAIGHT, MICHAEL BAY.

 

What other series' are you excited to have Michael Bay ruin with his crappy brain? Let us know in the comments!

 

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