Monster Energy Drinks Linked To Deaths???

Monster Energy drink tastes like someone sprayed a bunch of batteries with apple juice and then melted it all down and shoved it in a can. It's also got enough caffeine to give a killer whale a hernia. And now, according to the FDA, they might actually kill you.


monster kill drink
The fact that these creatures burst out of Monster when you open the can may have something to do with it.
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The New York Times is reporting 5 cases of death related to Monster Energy Drinks between 2009 and 2012. Generally the reports indicate that the drinks are essentially suspects in a rash of unlikely heart failures around the time the drinks were imbibed. Monster energy drink claims that they have heard of no deaths related to their drinks. But then it's hard to trust a company that makes their drinks out of monsters.


main ingredient
When you drink Monster energy drink, this is who you're drinking.
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It's hard to believe that anything bad could happen drinking drinks made by a company that makes such drinks as "Monster: Rehab," "Monster: Assault," and "Monster: Heavy Metal." Other drinks the company plans on marketing include "Monster: War Without End," "Monster: Crimes Against Humanity," and "Monster: XXXtreme ToTAL GenOCIDE now WITH LIME"


monster butt load
To be fair to Monster, they've really gone to a lot of trouble to make the can look like it's filled with things that can kill you.
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Generally speaking, according the NY Times article, FDA reports usually are mere indicators of a larger trend. Meaning that five deaths in an FDA report means chances are there are a much larger number of unreported cases out there. So it is a risk to consume Monster, or any other energy drink with enough caffeine in it to make a cow fart it's own organs out. However, though Monster may have a low percentage chance of killing you, there was an FDA report last year that drinking Monster energy drink has a 100% chance of making you really good at moto cross. So it might be worth the risk.


moto cross
This man had never even been on a motorcycle the day before, and all he had had was a dixie cup full of "Monster:Khaos."
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What's your favorite thing about filling a bathtub full of Monster: Assault and taking a bath in it? Let us know in the comments below!

 


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