8 Most Inappropriate Times To Update Your Facebook Status
So, did you hear about the crazy mofo who was robbing a bank and while he was in a stand-off with police, holding hostages, took the time to update his Facebook page 6 times and added 12 new friends to boot? I mean, sometimes I think I’m addicted to Facebook but DAYUM! I live in California and I can’t tell you how many dipsh*t friends of mine write the update 'Earthquake!' whenever the ground starts to shake. "Get the hell under a door jamb fool!" I comment on their update before running to safety. I kid, I kid. But it got me thinking...what are some other crazy a** times when updating your Facebook status should be the last thing on your mind? Here's just a few.
While Doing The Deed
What girl would ever put up with this? Besides the one making time with the guy above? The only way this scenario works for me is thinking that she is either asleep or dead while this act is happening. Wait...come to think of it, she’s probably fictional. Because there's no way this guy is getting so much as five minutes of nookie. Phew! Faith in humanity restored. At least until the next season of Jersey Shore starts.
During Jury Duty
Actually this might be one of the only ways you'll ever get out of serving jury duty. Unfortunately, you'll be moving from the juror's box to the defendant's table, when you're charged with contempt. So doesn't really seem like a 'win'. Besides no one needs to be bored by your status update stating that you're bored, dummy.
While Giving Birth
I’m pretty sure you are not allowed to have a baby today unless you first sign a contract saying that you will document each and every moment of their life, on every social network in existence. How else to explain photo albums titled 'My Placenta' and status updates like “10cm dilated now. Time to start pushing!" Guuuurl... I don’t wanna know how many centimeters wide you are down there!
On A Date
Aren't first dates awkward enough? Do you really need to give a play-by-play to your friends, right in front of the potential new love of your life? Although it is a good way to scare off dudes who are duds. Just let them see you change your relationship status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' mid-meal. They'll hit the floor running and then you'll have those delicious Applebee's potato skins all to yourself! I always find that a good indicator of true love is if you are willing to share your bacon foods with them.
While A Man Wearing Only Underwear Is Confronting You
I’ll admit that 'Am I the only one arguing with a man in skin tight panties right now?' is a real status update conversation starter. But is it any less interesting, say 15 minutes later, after security has been called and the kook is taken from the building? People wearing only underwear in public can be dangerous! Like my grandma always said 'Never trust a man if his undies are so tight you can see the outline of his junk'. I have that cross-stitched on a pillow.
When You're Being Mugged
I have to say if you update your Facebook status while you have a gun or a knife being held to your side, then you are one cool cucumber. Or a complete sh*t for brains. Take your pick.
At A Funeral
People just love to show what deep and caring human beings they are via Facebook status updates. But writing 'OMG! At my Papa Harry's funeral…it’s so sad to see him like...dead and all' Seems way less sincere when it’s written AT the memorial. And when it's next to a profile pic of you, drunk in Cabo, flashing your maracas.
During The Zombie Apocalypse
If you're a non-zombie, run for your life. Facebook is now irrelevant. If you're a zombie...show a little respect! If you're gorging yourself on someone's brains, the very least you can do is finish your dinner before whipping out your cell phone and Face-bragging to all your zombie friends!
What are some other times you should NOT be updating your Facebook status? Let's discuss in the comments!