Movie Heroes that Could Not Hack It Today

America's tastes are always changing. We want different things from our movie heroes over the years. For instance, we went from a James Bond who dressed as a clown...

 

(source)

... to a James Bond who gets his junk tortured.

(source)

Times change, and we demand different things of our movie heroes. Here are some heroes who are lost in the past along with typewriters and stand-alone GPS devices.

 

Superman

(source)

The problem with Superman is that he's too wholesome for a public that's grown cynical. While America rallied behind heroes like John McClane who threw motorcycles at helicoptors and one time Charlie Sheen drove a car out of an airplane and gave a probably Russian guy the finger. That is RAD. You can't muster that kind of enthusiasm for a guy who nonchalantly lifts cars to save kittens crossing the street and over-tips at Starbucks.

 

Rocky

(source)

Listen, Rocky, if all you can handle is boxing, then today's bloodthirsty fighting fans have no love for you; they've all moved on to MMA. Boxing was fun for a while, but not there is kicking. Also choking. Pretty soon MMA fighters will be climbing into the ring with maces and butterfly knives. Honest to God, watching boxing after you've seen MMA is like eating a bowl of Grape Nuts after a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

 

Han Solo

(source)

Han Solo is an odd case in that, back when Star Wars debuted in 1977, he was a timeless anti-hero who would murder aliens that looked at him sideways. But then came the Special Editions where an early scene of Han killing an alien called Greedo was altered so that Han waited for Greedo to draw and fire his weapon before Han could shoot him first, as it was in the original version. Great heroes don't wait for anyone else to do anything first. Case in point: Senator John McCain is well known to push to the front of the line at Chick-Fil-A.

 

Spider-Man

(source)

Do we want to see a hero in high school anymore? High schoolers cry a lot and worry about whether or not the girl who dates a linebacker named Blake and clearly doesn't like him might like him. Compare that to Batman, who's girlfriend got murdered. His response wasn't to call his guidance counselor. He went out and beat up Two-Face like all grown-ups do to manage their feelings.

 

Lara Croft

(source)

The late 90s were a time when style dominated substance. Every character had a spikey hair-do and a lot of "'tude", to use the vernacular of the time. No one epitomized this outlook more than Lara Croft, who was a skeleton of a character with a big-breasted veneer. What were Lara Croft's contributions to the world? At least Travis Bickle saved a prostitute. All Lara Croft's ever done is a slow motion handstand and driven a car nicer than mine.

 

The Face/ Off Guys from Face/ Off

(source)

America's great love affair with the switching of Nicolas Cage's face for John Travolta ended in 1997.

 

Forrest Gump

(source)

Forrest Gump doesn't hold up for one simple reason: America has moved past its' obsession with idiots. Dumb and Dumber 2 flopped at the box office. We no longer have George W. Bush in office- bam - and professional wrestling's popularity is on the wane. America has found its' confidence. We like smart characters again, like House and Sherlock Holmes and John Burn Notice (I've never watched Burn Notice).

 

Are there any older movies you've watched recently that you thought don't hold up anymore? Let's hear about them! In the comments!

 

 

Check Out Horror Movies Your Grandma Might Enjoy!