Movie Theater Hiring NINJAS to Quiet Cell Phone Users!

Like the rest of America, I went to see Resident Evil: New Resident Evil Motion Picture this weekend, and there was this group of women at the theater who ruined my movie-going experience by talking, texting, eating popcorn with her mouth open, taking off their sandals and putting their feet up on the seat (which is gross, feet are gross), and playing Super Hexagon on their iPhone at full volume the entire time!


talking during the movie
Best I could tell, her record was 8 seconds. Eight maddening seconds.
(source)

Now the Prince Charles Cinema in London has an idea to combat this type of behavior. They've begun to offer free admission to anyone willing to wear completely black jumpsuits and sneak up on those who talk or text during the movie.


ninja in movie theater
"YOU ARE BEING RUDE. THE PUNISHMENT IS DEATH."
(source)

Obviously this idea will greatly improve theater-going. In-movie talking and texting will plummet because human psychology tells us that if people believe ninjas can be anywhere, they'll believe ninjas are EVERYWHERE. AND THEY WILL BE CORRECT.


childs birthday party
How many of the ninjas can you spot in this photo? (Answer: Not nearly all of them.)
(source)

But the hidden benefit to this movie theater's plan is that, in the black jumpsuit, us regular folks will have an easy visual signifier as to who are the most nerdy, dangerous amongst us. If you don't know what I'm referring to, please see Figure 1(a), presented below.


movie fan, weapon chart
Fig. 1(a).

Do you want ninjas to infiltrate YOUR movie theater? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

 


Check out 5 Facts You Didn't Know About Ninjas!