My 6 Worst First-World Problems
Just because we have it better than almost everybody on the planet doesn’t mean we don’t suffer more than anyone anywhere could ever possibly imagine on Earth. Here are just a few examples of the torment we poor lucky ones must face every single day of our longer-than-average life spans.
“I’m stuck in the Facebook chat from hell!”
“I try to be nice. In fact, I’m TOO nice. That’s what it’s going to say on my tombstone—‘She Was Too Nice. And Now She’s Dead. What Good Did THAT Do Her?” And you know how I know I’m too nice? Because while everybody else in the whole freakin’ world is out having sex or tapas or sex at a tapas bar, I’m stuck inside unable to get off this goddamn Facebook chat! I don’t even know what the hell this person is talking about anymore! I just write ‘Oh’ or ‘Wow,’ thinking they’ll finally get the hint that I’m not paying attention. I’ve repeatedly typed ‘LOL’ in the hopes I accidentally offend them after they say something serious like “The cancer took my thumbs” and so they’ll stop talking to me. And I can only buy so much time with ‘brb’! Sigh…Maybe if I’m lucky this person will start choking or hear that a loved one got into an accident and then they’ll have to get offline.”
”Why can’t I fast-forward through the commercials with On Demand?!”
“The whole reason I’m watching my show with On Demand is because I didn’t have the time to watch it—or set it to record—when it was on in the first place! And now because I have so much going on in my life—because I HAVE a life—I’m being punished by having to sit through the same time-sucking commercial again and again and again?! Seriously! A whole three times! Don’t they know I already bought a car?!? It’s like they’re trying to get back at me for not being me. Hey, I didn’t tell them they had to be On Demand professionals!…You know, when they make you do something you don’t want to do that’s called communism…Or socialism…Or torture. Thanks a lot, 21st Century America! Thanks a lot, Founding Fathers! United States—The experiment that FAILED!”
“Why the hell do Oreos keep getting smaller?!”
“When you buy something you’re supposed to get what you wanted to buy! That’s why we invented the whole grocery system in the first place! But when you say ‘Gee, I’d like an Oreo’ and they say, ‘Here, have a small black dime with cream in the middle instead’ then why do we even have a middle class?! Huh?! Why not just have the companies who make whatever they want and the rest of us who go, ‘Wow, this tastes like a whole lot of suck but what choice do I have? Let me bend over and take another tiny cookie, Mr. Business Man.’ I tell you, if God came down and saw what was being done in the Kroger snack aisle he’d put a lightening bolt through all their heads. Then he’d give me regular-sized cookies. Because that’s what happens when you pray for people to get what’s coming to them.”
“What the #*%@ is with all the pillows on this bed?!?”
”Seriously, what the #*%@ is with all the pillows on this bed?! Every damn night I have to take them off and find someplace to put them that isn’t the bed even though that’s the only place there’s any room for them—because they’re BED PILLOWS! Not CABINET pillows! And then the next morning I have to put them all back again! It’s like that Greek myth about the guy who has to push the same heavy boulder up a mountain every single day for eternity because he made the same stupid #*%&ing mistake I did and bought Euro shams! I don’t even like square pillows!…This is a nightmare. My life has become a nightmare. I must have stabbed a baby unicorn in a past life because otherwise I can’t explain why now I’m trying to cram six down feather pillows in a hall closet for literally the one millionth time this week.”
“Why am I stuck carrying this umbrella?!”
”They said it was going to rain. Correction—they said it was going to RAIN. So I brought out the big umbrella. But instead it’s all blue skies with bright sun and I’m wandering the city carrying what looks like a giant lance with Snoopy on it because I got my umbrella free from MetLife! I mean, could I look like any more of an escaped mental patient?! I might as well start debating politics with my feet and ask flowers for stock tips because only an insane man would carry such a huge thing on such a beautiful day. I bet this is how all those crazy street people got started. One bad weather report and bam! Game over. Time to scream at breezes. Plus, now I have to lug this thing EVERYWHERE for no damn good reason! It’s like a ten-ton punishment I can never, ever get rid of until I get home or go to a restaurant.”
“Why doesn’t anyone realize how tough I have it?”
”Why is it every time I complain about my workday someone says, ‘Don’t worry, tomorrow will be better’? Why is it every time I say how someone annoyed me so much I wish my hands sprayed acid someone says, ‘Just ignore them’? I’m not a robot! I can’t just shut off my feelings! Every day is a series of unending crises involving slow checkout lines and no ice in the fridge and autocorrect and delays from other peoples’ car accidents and all those #$%*ing bed pillows and I’m supposed to just deal with it like my life isn’t falling apart?! Maybe YOU can just ‘deal with it because you’re life is sooooooooo damn perfect and problem-free but I’m in my 20th minute stuck in this unending Facebook chat and right now I just want to blow up everybody with my mind.”
What are some other first world problems? Let us know in the comments!