My Unreasonable Expectations For The iPad 3

Remember in October of this year when everyone was talking about the iPhone 5, how it was going to be tear drop shaped, 4G LTE capable, and have six front-facing diamond-shaped cameras to make it sparkle like your sister's MySpace? Well, none of that happened. The iPhone 4S came out and it had Siri and a camera that wasn't even diamond-shaped. And I feel like, because of that let-down, so many tech analysts are afraid to make big, bold rpedictions about the upcoming iPad 3 reveal. To Hell with that, I say! I'm going to swing for the fences with my iPad 3 predictions!

 

The iPad 3 will have all the gigs

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Did you know the current iPad models max out at 64 gigs? This is not enough gigs! I suspect the iPad 3 will have many more gigs. Pfft, can you imagine? 64 gigs? My baby brother had more than 64 gigs when he was born and he was six months premature.

 

The iPad 3 might be called the iPad 4

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Think about it, would you question the absence of the iPad 3? No, the assumption would be that you missed its' announcement and all your friends have had their iPad 3 for over a year. It's a master stroke from Apple — everyone is too embarrassed to be behind for even one second longer so they're all forced to buy an iPad 4 on the day of release! Who's going to call Apple out on it? Tech bloggers? No one is taken less seriously than tech bloggers. They're like the lone atheist in a college religion course except instead of secularism they argue for the long-term viability of Mac OS X.

 

The iPad 3 will inspire better engraving suggestions on the Apple webpage

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Hopefully the greatness of the iPad 3 will make Apple feel bad their example engraving gallery is so trite. Who wrote these? Our nation's most single aunts?

 

Wii U functionality

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I want to use my iPad 3 as a Wii U controller because the iPad is essentially a Wii U controller. This is like the beginning of the first Harry Potter book when Ron and Harry were cold to Hermione. You guys are such natural friends that seeing you apart just makes me angry.

 

Firmer home button

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The current one is a little squishy for my tastes.

 

Thicker casing

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With a thicker casing, I could be the middle of an action movie-like scenario where I'm shot in the chest early on only to show back up at the end and hold up the iPad 3 with a bullet in it that was in my coat pocket. Then I would smirk and kill the terrorists.

 

The screen resolution will both excite and terrify me

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Sometimes I look really closely at my iPhone's retina display just to f*ck with its' confidence. I don't want to be able do that with the iPad 3. I want to look so closely at the iPad 3's high resolution retina display that I can see the very building blocks of matter — particles so small they're enormous, planets and universes within exploding and contracting in the beautiful cacophony that is existence.

What are you hoping to see out of the next iPad? Let us know in the comments below!

 

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