News Stories I Want Instead Of Charlie Sheen

We can't get enough of Charlie Sheen. He's front page news. He's on TV all day and all night long. You turn on your TV or pick up a magazine or a newspaper and you're gonna see or read something about Charlie Sheen... which is a shame because there are actual news events happening out there in the world. Not to mention just about ANYTHING is more news worthy than Charlie Sheen. Here are a few examples...


Ke$ha takes a shower

Rumor has it that trashionista Ke$ha took a shower last week. Why is that not on the front page of the LA Times? It’s real news, while Charlie Sheen’s drug use and insanity are not.


Justin Bieber loses his first tooth

Coincidentally, Bieber lost his tooth on his birthday this Tuesday. It was really exciting until his manager realized that Justin is actually going to eventually reach puberty, at which point he went back to the store to get some more Auto-Tune.


Lady Gaga dresses up as Bob Hope for the Oscars

People thought that the late Bob Hope was a mere hologram when he made his life-scarring appearance at the Oscars on Sunday night, but the fact was overlooked that it was actually Lady Gaga with her latest trend: curmudgeon.


iPad 2 to rob millions of current iPad owners, has no mercy

The conniving Apple is at it again, releasing lust-worthy iterations of their suddenly “old” products. Are they brilliant or just evil? That is for them to know and us to find out.


Facebook plans to annihilate the world by sharing email addresses

Facebook is giving email addresses, along with other very important information such as birthdays and religious views, to evil companies that will definitely catalyze the destruction of the universe, according to TMZ or MySpace or something.


Nicolas Cage is so mad about not being nominated for an Oscar that he steels the Declaration of Independence

Nicolas Cage was very upset when he was not even nominated for his role as Balthazar in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” This is understandable because he spent so much money in his pursuit to look perfect for the role, with his Botox and all.


Isla Fisher is way less hot as an animated iguana

Contrary to popular belief, Isla Fisher is scientifically proven to be less attractive as an animated reptile in “Rango.” Millions of fans worldwide are disappointed by this and will instead go to see “Gnomeo & Juliet.”


Child walks out of “King’s Speech” with a stutter

A tragic story of a kid who just wanted to see the Best Picture winner was so speechless after seeing the film that he had a stutter for a full five days.


Outrage ensues after Esperanza Spalding does not win Best Supporting Actress

Spalding, Best New Artist at the Grammys, was expected to cause another upset in the Oscars, but it turned out that she was not even nominated. What movie was she in again?

What else is more important than Charlie Sheen being Charlie Sheen? Tell us in the comments below.

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