The 6 Most Non-Threatening Superhero Uniforms

 

They say clothes make the man. But these uniforms undid the following superheroes’ careers…

 

The Dazzler

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Just as disco was about to up and die Marvel introduced “The Dazzler,” a walking “Xanadu” outtake whose white jumpsuit, roller skates, and ability to convert music like “Funkytown” into energy beams didn’t so much say “Beware evil doers!” as “If you need me I’ll be in the back room of Studio 54 snorting coke off the Village People’s sternums.” Word is she’s currently crossing the country with Gloria Gaynor and Donna Summer, not so much fighting crime as performing to nostalgic fiftysomethings at state fairs.

 

U.S. Archer

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“Superhero truck driver.” Those are three words that never appear together outside of a teamster’s wet dream. But such was the case with Ulysses Solomon Archer, a blue-collar hero who was so all-American that not only did his initials spell “U.S.A.” but also his uniform was specifically designed to make him look like Bruce Springsteen circa “Born in the U.S.A.” (only to actually make him look like a back-up dancer to Canada’s Loverboy). Born to two truck drivers , Ed “Poppa” Wheeler and Anne “Wide Load Annie” Wheeler (trust me, it’s only going to get worse), U.S. Archer used the metal implant in his head to pick up CB Radio transmissions (see?) as he traveled down the nation’s highways fighting villains who apparently equated red Member’s Only jackets with insurmountable strength.

 

Brother Power the Geek

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He may look like Aquaman’s less-gifted younger brother—the one who couldn’t make contact with fish but who could contract their ick—but the story behind 1968’s Brother Power’s uniform is oh so much better and worse than that. Originally a mannequin in an abandoned tailor shop, Brother Power was dressed up in wet, blood-soaked “hip threads” by a hippie who had just gotten beaten and wanted to make sure his clothes didn’t shrink. Then the mannequin was struck by lightening—indoors—and turned into a super flower child, because not every superhero origin story goes through a second draft. This attempt to cash in on 1960’s counterculture reportedly so annoyed the then conservative-minded DC Comics execs that they cancelled Brother Power’s comic after only two issues and sent Superman to beat up the touring company of “Hair.”

 

Boom-Boom

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What if Tank Girl indulged in an a closeout sale of American Apparel 80’s spandex, unused XFL shoulder pads, and Canon camera lens belts? You would have Boom-Boom, a Marvel mutant whose name would seem to indicate “detonating stripper.” But instead, Boom-Boom used her psionic gifts to create “time bomb” balls that she then would hurl at anyone who wondered aloud if she dressed like that to draw attention away from her bad perm, to get a job as a flamboyant welder, or to severely test Professor X’s promise that his school will accept absolutely anyone.

 

Vibe

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Once the gang leader of Los Lobos (who apparently hit upon hard times after “La Bamba”), Paco Ramone gave it all up to join the Justice League’s new Detroit bureau (because why not be where the action is) as Vibe, a hero who could emit shockwaves but couldn’t call himself that without getting sued by the Transformers. Of course, everything you really need to know about Vibe’s uniform is summed up in the above picture, in which Superman and Batman desperately try not to crack up during a publicity photo as they wonder why anyone would want to dress up like José Feliciano as a lucha libre wrestler.

 

Numinus

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If you were going to turn one of the hosts of “The View” into an all-powerful being, who would choose? Well, Barbara Walters would have difficult climbing stairs, much less leaping tall buildings. Joy Behar would just sit around cracking jokes that would amuse soccer moms. And Elisabeth Hasselbeck would alienate almost everybody but 1950’s-era Captain America. That apparently leaves Whoopi Goldberg, which Marvel admitted to using as the inspiration for Numinus, a cosmic entity that shows sentient beings the wonders of the universe (which sounds like another way of saying “narrates presentations at planetariums”). But more than likely Numinus used her great powers to make sure people forgot all about “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.”

 

Which superhero uniform do you think is the most non-threatening? Let us know in the comments!

 

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