People I Hate At Coffee Shops

I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. They're great places to catch up on news, return emails and write.

That being said, here are seven cellphone pics of random people who have come into the coffee shop where I write at this week, that I hope catch on invisible fire and plunge off a cliff into the sea sometime soon.

 

1. Lady With Dog In Her Backpack

You don’t have to be a bleeding-heart animal lover to know that doing something like this just wrong. Who wants dog hair in their coffee or on their scone? Gross.

 

2. Hollywood Cargo Short Mafia Idiots

If you ever visit Hollywood, California and stop into any random coffee shop, you’re bound to see at least two dozen of these dipsticks lounging around the place. They’re guys who think that owning an iPhone, pack of smokes, and a pair of cargo shorts makes them look like a misunderstood writer/actor/model waiting to be discovered.

It doesn’t. It makes them annoying and unemployed. You get discovered by actually working toward a goal, not by texting some divorced soccermom that you hit on at Whole Foods on the way to yoga class earlier that day.

 

3. The Acting/Life Coach

The guy in the dress shirt plopped down and gave an entire 45-minute acting class/life coaching session in the middle of a crowded Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Sunset Boulevard. It was the most amazingly retarded thing I had ever seen. And that's saying a lot, considering that I have basic cable and my girl Tivos the shit out of Toddlers & Tiaras and Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

 

4. High-Tech Homeless People

This guy who smelled like pee that had caught on fire, sat down at a table behind me and procedded to unplug my computer and use up every outlet in the building to charge phone and netbook. Then he played an entire Stevie Nicks Greatest Hits double album at full volume on that netbook three feet away from where I was sitting. Then he took off his shoes and socks and cut all ten of his toenails in the slowest and most deliberate fashion I have ever seen. Homelessness is a huge problem and we should reach out and try and help most of the people suffering from it. And then turn them all against this guy.

 

5. Pouty Jerks With No Sense Of Others’ Personal Space

This is the passive aggressive dolt threw a fit because I said that I didn't want to share my tiny table with him. His big move was to borrow a chair from another table and sit as close to me as possible and sigh and roll his eyes repeatedly for about 10 or 15 minutes while reading his shitty screenplay. My big move was to Google search a quick how-to video on "The Secret" and then wishing butt cancer on him and his pets for the entire 10 or 15 minutes he was huffing, puffing and throwing his hissy fit next to me.

 

6. Pyramid Schemers

The group of six or seven shady scumbags have been running a telemarketing, pyramid scheme out of my local coffeeshop for the last two months. Everytime I’m there they take up all the good indoor tables and leather chairs, and clog up the free wifi, while making hard-sell cold calls to customers (even conducting job interviews inside the store.)

The worst part about the whole situation was the piggy one on the left wears enough Designer Impostures perfume to kill a napalm salesmen.

 

7. Sideways Sports Car Parking Jerks

Everytime I try to park in the actual parking lot at this place, all the spots are always taken up by creepy old dudes who park their garish, Levitra-fueled molesto chariots sideways, diagonally and across multiple parking spots. It's like, dude, your car already screams, "Hey, I've got a lot of money and kids in their 30s who don't speak to me, but that's cool because I will buy fake boobs for whomever looks at twice."

Ugh, sometimes leaving the house really makes me hate people.

 

What kind of people drive you nuts at your local coffee shop?

 

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