People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now

Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson’s heart by sleeping with someone who wasn’t Robert Pattinson. Despite her lazy eye, bum leg, and her penchant for getting a surprising amount of pimples on the tips of her fingers, more than one person wanted to sleep with her. Robert was crushed, somehow, but losing her, but he must move on. Here are some of the best suggestions of people he should go out with now.

 

Demi Lovato

demi lovato

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Nothing gets a guy over a broken heart like a girl who puts out. And no one puts out more than Demi Lovato. When Demi Lovato’s not busy putting out, she’s busy brushing her teeth and going to the clinic so she can put out more. She’s the only person in Hollywood who does strength training just so she can put out more excessively.

 

 

Taylor Lautner

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Taylor’s a good friend to Robert. He’s a lot like Robert except for the fact that he is more muscular and unable to think effectively. Taylor is exactly what Robert needs right now, he’s a familiar face, who can relate to Robert’s experiences, who exudes a thick, seductive musk. Robert must however be careful not to anger Taylor, as Taylor has gorilla like strength, and virtually no intellect, so he is prone to anger.

 

 

This Creepy Japanese Body Pillow

Japanese pillow

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She’s a great listener. Also if you get tired of her you can put her in a trash compactor and no one will get mad.

 

 

Shellavus The Eternal

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Shellavus has been around since long before man, and she’ll be around long after. She stands perched atop the highest mountain on Earth, storms ever raging around her, and legend has it that when the soccer ball falls from atop her pert chest man’s time will be at an end. If that doesn’t at first sound to you like the perfect person for Robert Pattinson to go out with to get his mind off of Kristen Stewart, you clearly don’t know Robert Pattinson.

 

MOVE-ON BOT: PROTOTYPE ZERO

scary robot

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MOVE-ON BOT: PROTOTYPE ZERO was created by Russian Engineers who worked tirelessly for the KGB for 14 years to create the ultimate in getting-over-your-last-relationship technology. MOVE-ON BOT: PROTOTYPE ZERO is nurturing, affectionate, sexually voracious, and will kill anything near it that makes even the slightest movement or noise at the drop of a hat.

 

 

This dog in a bee costume

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Who in their right mind would give half a damn about Kristen Stewart when they could be going out with this dog in this g*ddamn bee costume?

 

 

Do you like killing at the drop of a hat? Let us know in the comments!

 

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