Pizza Hut Invents Chicken Fillet and Cheeseburger Crust Pizza???

Providing the strongest evidence yet for string theory, Pizza Hut seems to have once again opened it's portal to the alternate universe where food is alive and maintains its population by breeding with other foods. It used to be that food would only marry its own kind, but there are a lot of mixed-food couples, much to the chagrin of racist, sentient pizza fathers.


weird monsters in city
Pictured: No grandson of mine.
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What slithered out of the portal this time? Well, it's like a pizza, see, but where a pizza of our universe would have a crust circumference (called a "crustcumference" by those in the industry, and idiots), this pizza is flanked by baby cheeseburgers or chicken sandwiches. Pizza Hut is a) trying too hard to impress us and b) completely missed the mark.


metalheads in front of a moonbounce
We are the seniors to Pizza Hut's sophomores.
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Launching in Middle East area Pizza Huts, this pizza is called the Crown Crust Carnival, despite the fact that it could not possibly look less like a crown. Its name might have that twinge of royalty because this is the kind of thing a king might order after he's just taken the throne to see if his small council will defy him when his demands become unreasonable.


metalheads in front of a moonbounce
"I'm sorry, Your Grace, but you want chicken IN the crust?"
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This is the worst thing Pizza Hut has ever done to us. I don't know what's going through their minds when they start making these things. Did Pizza Hut's PR team get really into Chuck Norris jokes and start believing everything needed to be comically exaggerated? Are their meetings just everyone sitting around trying to prove who has the biggest penis?

"Dude, what if there was a pizza with like a whole cheeseburger at the end and then there was like sauce poured on it like BLOSSH and we're watching Transformers and the plane explodes like BAM BAM BAM and there are bacon spheres on it and the box it comes in is donuts and there's more sauce like GLOG GLOG GLOG and we all learn how to play ukulele and make YouTube videos like BEE DO BE DO and there's like little tomatoes everywhere and we're like SAUSAGE here and SAUSAGE there and pro wrestling is on and we're all oooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo and they just huge turkey chunks all over EVERYTHING."


metalheads in front of a moonbounce
"Hey, you guys ever think about all the suffering we cause?"
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What could possibly be left for Pizza Hut to combine with a pizza? I leave the guesswork up to you — tweet me your ideas at @mikeyfromsu or leave a comment in the comments!

 


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