Places That SHOULD Cheer You Up After Break-Up but Don't
The heartache we feel when we realize that what we thought was true love was instead a sham can be devastating. Getting over a tough break-up can take months, even years, but a common recommendation from non-broken heated friends is to just get back out into the world. This can often be helpful, but some outings can actually be emotionally detrimental. Here are several places you might want to avoid going if the one person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with took out your heart and stomped it into the ground until it was nothing more than a bloody pulp.
The zoo seems like the perfect place to numb your broken heart — after all, cute animals are the perfect distraction But once you're at the zoo, you'll inevitably realize a sad truth: None of these caged beast are anywhere close to feeling as alone as you are. Even the giant panda, a species near extinction, will eventually find a mate through the zoological community. The same cannot be said for you.
Soon you'll be stuffing your face with popcorn, ice cream, and cotton candy; using the dim lights of the nocturnal house to hide your tear-streaked cheeks; and getting kicked out for screaming "ALL BEAUTIFUL THINGS DIE!" in the Butterfly Pavilion.
Maybe the zoo was a bad call. But a movie will surely take your mind off the throbbing pain in your chest. And yes, drowning the pain with some fictitious ontology might momentary quell your suffering, but it will all be for naught — the film will try to persuade you that people can like each other, perhaps even fall in love. But you'll see this for what it is — a facade thinner than the screen its projected on.
And because the universe hates you, there will absolutely be a couple making-out four seats down. I mean, like, really going at it. There might even be some over the bra under the shirt action happening. This will make you sick to your stomach. You will have to make a forced exit, and you will be out 15 dollars, and you still won't know what happens at the end of The Purge: Anarchy.
A Baseball Game
A competition of America's pastime might seem like a safe bet to take your mind off your ex. You buy yourself some peanuts and crackerjacks, and settle into your nosebleed seats genuinely not caring if you ever come back. And for six brief innings, you will be treated to a respite from your emotions. But then, during the 7th inning stretch, some jackass camera operator will point the "Kiss-Cam" at you and the empty seat next to you. The crowd will laugh and jeer, reveling in your jumbo-tron-projected loneliness. You will feel yourself spinning into darkness. The bright lights of the stadium will grow faint, and the last thing you hear before you blackout from sadness will be the announcer's booming voice laughing "NOW THAT IS PITIFUL."
At some point, you might decide to lean into your sadness and crash a funeral. You've been dressing in black for weeks anyways, and no one will bother to ask how you knew the deceased so long as you're perpetually crying. Outside in a graveyard on a grey and blustery autumn day, surrounded by others who share you dark worldview, you may feel like you're finally home.
But this feeling won't last — unable to control your emotions, your below-the-radar cover will be blown when you eventually cry out the name of your former lover (which is not, as it happens, the name of the elderly man being buried) and suddenly, the jig is up. Just make sure you don't jump down onto the casket as it's lowered into the ground, screaming that you wish it was you instead. And definitely don't do this three or four more times — then, the police will hold you overnight, and when you leave, one of the guards will say that that you need to get over it already, and that if hears about you ruining any more funerals he will personally come after you.
A Remote Cabin in the Yukon
The rad beard you'll grow while living in a cabin in the Yukon Territory of Canada will keep you just as warm as another person would, right? The stillness of the world around you, the endless hours of daylight, the crisp arctic air ... they'll all help slowly clear the fog of darkness in your soul. But then that cop from before will find you, since you jumped on three or four more caskets. In the shoot-out that follows, you'll find yourself running through the woods behind the cabin, clutching your bleeding arm. Luckily, the bullet passed clean through, but you're no doctor and if you don't get to one soon, you might lose that limb.
And then you see it — a Tundra Swan. How could you have forgotten. The Tundra Swan was your ex's favorite animal. Time will suspend itself for a moment while you and majestic creature lock eyes. You will be sure that it is some avatar for your lost love. Some sign of fate. Proof that there is a serendipitous God after all. You will not soon forget this moment.
Her/His House When He/She Isn't Home
Sitting on the bed of your old flame you may begin to reconsider the risks you have taken coming back here. Now a wanted felon, you'll itch at the nub that was formerly your right arm. Sometimes you can still feel it. Your ghost limb now symbolizes the larger reality you have come to accept is your life — you will never get it, or your lost love, back.
And as you wander from room to room in their home you might find yourself picking up a photo of them from when they where young. The smiling face of the child that stares back at you knows not of the pain and suffering it will someday cause another human. A momentary epiphany will take place. You will realize the loss of innocence inherit in all of human life. Nothing is permanent. Everything shall pass. Accepting this, you will realize is all part of growing up. But just because you accept it doesn't mean you have to like it.
As you hear the sirens outside, you'll chuckle to yourself. And as the smell of smoke from the fire you started in the other room grows more pungent you will shake your head and say "Gosh, break-ups are rough."
Know other seemingly innocuous places that people fresh out of a relationship might want to avoid? Tell me about them on Twitter or in the comments below!