Political Campaigns of 6 Movie Monsters
Just when you thought the Presidential campaigns wouldn’t end, a whole new crop of candidates have entered the ring. But before they can win over—or just devour—the hearts and minds of voters, they have to overcome their own significant image problems.
While “birthers” might whine that Kong wasn’t born in the U.S. (a complaint that can pretty much be lodged against any monster save Bigfoot and the Jersey Devil), the big lug is an endearing fellow who everyone roots for until he’s kidnapping people. And while his death may seem like a campaign roadblock, it does make sure he won’t embarrass himself any further over the next several months.
Suffering from a lack of name recognition and a smear campaign that says, “Why would you vote for the thing that killed Boba Fett too soon?”, the Sarlacc hopes to convince voters that he actually wanted to eat the Ewoks instead. Unfortunately, while his love of all things edible would make for great local diner PR photos, his fixed position in the dessert (of another planet) makes cross-country campaigning virtually impossible.
Of all the candidates on this list, Godzilla has had the most experience debating other monsters—including the three-headed variety who can shout out numerous talking points at once—all while tripping over telephone wires. Plus, his very existence serves as a constant reminder of the evils of nuclear warfare. But sadly his endless emotional outbursts have cost him the city vote, mostly through careless stomping and fires.
Plagued by a public image best described as “What if ‘Jaws’ had a pituitary problem, was remade for 12 bucks and directed by whoever was holding the Flip camera at the time,” Mega Shark has had to look to celebrity endorsements to help his campaign. Unfortunately, all he could get were early 90’s “stars” who had already slipped into the “afternoon shift at Foot Locker” level of fame by 1993. So instead he now runs political ads on SyFy at 5 A.M., right after infomercials for “The Abdominator,” which is either an exercise machine or a direct-to-DVD monster movie starring a killer six-pack.
With no real name other than “AUGH! WHAT IS THAT THING?!” and few publicity shots outside of a vomit-inducing handheld video, the Cloverfield Monster did however win plenty of heartland votes by destroying New York City. So now the creature plans to decimate Los Angeles, Washington DC, and any other large metropolitan area that will have people in rural communities celebrating a candidate who clearly knows what they really want—for the West and East Coasts to burn.
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is living proof that “If you think it you can be it.” Add to that the fact his sailor outfit indicates he must have served in the armed forces somewhere—not to mention he can make any giant bonfire great at least once so long as you bring the Hershey bars and graham crackers—and you have a sweet candidate who is bound to be swept into office come this November.
Which monster has earned your vote? Let us know in the comments below!