Powers Kirby Would Get From Swallowing The Cast Of Glee

Glee is the worst thing on television right now, and yes, I am including the new VH1 show Who Wants To Eat A Celebrity? It recently made headlines for blatantly stealing a song from Jonathan Coulton without crediting him or paying him a dime (like it did with Nouvelle Vague, Petra Haden, Divisi, Greg Laswell, and DJ Earworm). Let's not forget, though, that even if it weren't shameless and unethical, Glee would still be a steaming pile of rat turds disguised as TV. Don't believe I can make this post about Nintendo? Well you're WRONG, buckaroo! Here are powers Kirby would gain by swallowing the cast of Glee!

 

Double Standard Breath!

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By swallowing any female character, all of whom are evil, Kirby would gain the ability to do what Glee has been trying to do all these years: release a hypocritical sound wave ("EQUALITY!!!") that only hurts women.

 

Unresolved Plot PUNCH!

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One thing Glee fans particularly hate about their favorite show is how often they pick up plot lines only to totally abandon them because they don't want to pay the actors those plots are about anymore. If Kirby swallows any of those characters, he will learn an uppercut which, when thrown, will leave its target hanging in the air.

 

Marginalized Minority Beam!

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Quick, name three non-white characters on Glee! Got em? Okay, now name a non-white character who has had a story about him or her that isn't a humiliating stereotype! Trick question: you can't. In the rare event that Kirby would actually run into a non-white character on Glee, swallowing that character would give him the power to shoot a beam from his eyes that makes anybody who isn't a pink puffball feel like they're being singled out at a bad party.

 

iTunes Store Spit!

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Whenever Kirby swallows any character from Glee, a cool side effect he gets is the power to spit gold coins (but only while emotionlessly butchering Auto-Tuned versions of beloved songs). Any time Kirby's a little low on cash, all he's gotta do is sleepwalk his way through some Lady Gaga covers and BOOM! Time to hit the strip club!

 

Adult Human Dialogue Farts!

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Kirby tries to avoid picking up this power, because it tends to make social gatherings awkward. He learned the hard way when he tried swallowing a few of the teachers at the school from Glee. Whenever Kirby swallows an adult character on Glee, he lets out long, wet, uncontrollable farts that vaguely resemble how humans talk when drunk robots mash buttons on the control panels of their brains. It's a pretty bummer power, but at least it sounds KIND OF like dialogue!

 

Self-Proclaimed Authority On Gay Rights Kick!

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Any time Kirby swallows Blaine, Kurt, or one of the other ones, he gains the ability to deliver swift, steely kicks to the nads of anyone who disagrees with his idea of the American gay experience. "Hey Kirby," a fool might say, "I know it's been a hard road, and I support your cause, but maybe you should quit using silly musical numbers to compare your movement to African-American civil rights. You know, since those scars are still fresh in the minds of millions of people who saw their leaders assassina- UGH!!!!" Know what that was right there? A steely kick to the nads.

 

Really Disliking Glee!

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No matter what Glee character Kirby swallows, he feels like he came out of the whole experience dirtier and sadder and he can't believe his friends still eat that crap up.

 

In case it wasn't clear, I hate Glee more than is in any way rational for an adult. How about you? Let us know in the comments!

 

Check out 10 Things I Hate About Glee!