Random Sounds I'm Going to Start Calling Music if you Insist on Calling Dubstep Music

What is dubstep? And no, that isn't one of those "I don't know how to open an article so I'll just ask what my subject is and talk about it a little bit I guess" kind of questions. What the hell is dubstep? It sounds like someone slowed down the Yak Bak-recorded sound of a construction site. If we are seriously going to call this "music" I'm going to start calling any goddamn sounds I hear music, up to and including:

 

Cawing of crows

crows cawing

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Does the sound of a murder of crows make you instantly terrified? YES. Does it remind you of death? YES. But for christ's sake does it at least have different notes occasionally? YES. Therefore it's murderous, offensive sound of bloodthirsty birds: 1, dubstep: o.

 

The sound of a dead man's final wish

cat on a door

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The thing about ghosts is their souls echo throughout the place of their death. If you listen closely you can hear them whisper their last requests, like "make sure my son doesn't screw up my sushi business" or "kill that son of a bitch Melvin who slept with my wife". And do you know what we call those words? Lyrics. Are you paying attention, dubstep? We like to listen to lyrics, even if they're ghastly and speak to a life left unfulfilled.

 

Cats meowing and doors opening and closing

old man dying in hospital

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If you listen to them long enough, together, the sounds just sort of blur together, and you don't even know what you believe in anymore. Even though it makes you question your very grip on reality, cats and doors are still easier to listen to than Skrillex.

 

This old Japanese proverb

splashing in a pond

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Matsuo Basho's haiku "Furu ike ya/ kawazu tobikomu/ mizu no oto" roughly translates to "Old pond/ frogs jumped in/ sound of water". Can't you just feel that imagery? It's beautiful. Can you write a haiku about dubstep?

"wolf howls to the sky/ has no choice but to drop beat/ BWUMBWUMBW-BW-BW-WUM"

 

Hulk Hogan's 1995 album "Hulk Rules" featuring The Wrestling Boots Band

hulk hogan album cover

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Remember at the 1996 Grammy awards when every musical artist alive at that time got onstage to disavow this album, which featured such lyrics as "always go swimming with a buddy/ work real hard and always study"? Do you know how dumb dubstep must be for me to even be considering considering this album as music again?.

 

Blooming of a flower

blooming flower

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If you're silent, both in your head and in your heart, you can hear flowers burst forth into life. And while it's certainly moving, it doesn't really make me want to dance.

Wait. God... goddamn it.

 

Goddamn it. Dubstep

dubstep guy

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Maybe it doesn't work for me, but people do dance to this stuff, I guess. And who am I to say what is and isn't music? It's not like an action movie with bad character development isn't a movie, it's just a movie that doesn't do anything for me. Dubstep holds no value for me, but I guess it's not up to me to define what is and isn't music. Maybe music is bigger than any one person's interpretation.

GREAT NOW I ACCEPT DUBSTEP AND IT'S NOTHING BUT WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB I'M SO ANGRY BUT I ACCEPT ITTTTTT AND I CAN'T STOP DANCING.

 

What is your definition of music? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

 

Check out this Dubstepping Kitty!