Real-Life Animals That Are Basically Monsters
While we definitely get scared whenever we watch a movie with Frankensteins or werewolves or the mummies, there's still some little voice in the back of our head reminding us that they're not real. That little voice in the back of our heads is what makes us able to watch monster movies without losing our minds from fear. But did you know there are real life monsters, posing in our world as animals? Take THAT, little voice in the back of your head that keeps you from losing your mind from fear!
Hey, um, jellyfish? You were frightening enough when you just had stingers and looked like liguid hell. You didn't have to go and get EXTRA scary by adding poisonous venom and LITERAL EYEBALLS, okay? This is the same problem I have with bayonets. Like, guns are already dangerous. They don't need a knife.
This shark got a HUUUUUGE mouth! And while it only uses it to skim the water and collect plankton, the basking shark could still hide other dangerous things inside that mouth, like sharks or North Korean submarines.
Candiru (penis fish)
While this fish looks innocent enough, if you ever pee in the Amazon river it will swim up your urine stream and into your penis. This fish is the Keyser Soze of monster animals — by the time you realize what's happening, it's already won. DON'T YOU GET IT?! Anything that's the Keyser Soze of ANYTHING is the worst kind of thing to be!
Ahem. Sorry. This fish makes me insane with fear so, you know, I get like that. The point is. Don't pee in the Amazon. Maybe just don't pee in any rivers.
Just don't pee.
While they're technically less dangerous than regular alligators, the gharials from India have this long nightmare of a needle jaw, which is probably good at getting his monsterous needle beak through tiny cracks like the one between your bed and headboard or the couch you're sitting on right now!
Do people surf the internet on the couch? I'm gonna assume they do.
GODDAMN IT WRINKLED BAT YOU LOOK LIKE TWO-FACE EXCEPT ALL OF YOUR FACE IS TWO-FACE.
I'm sure the wolffish has done good things with its life — raised a wolffish family, volunteered for the wolffish PTA, paid his wolffish taxes — but I will never be able to look at it and assume it's capable of good. This fish is evil incarnate. While Wikipedia says the wolffish is only dangerous to man when washed ashore and defending itself on land, I don't trust that AND COULD NEVER TRUST IT.
Apparently overfishing and bycatching has caused the wolffish to become a Species of Concern to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's National Marine Fisheries Service. While it's sad to see any species in decline, sometimes humans have to do unseemly things just to get by, like making Chinese children build iPads, producing a Fifty Shades of Gray movie, and war.
Which animal brought the most terror to your heart? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!