Reasons Movie Computers Are Better Than Real Computers

Hollywood writers are amongst the dumbest people alive. Their average age is 48 and they have no idea how computers work. They see kids using iPads and iPods and iPids and think they have the magical capacity of a Phoenix-core wand. Thankfully, that means they write computers in really weird, awesome ways. Here are some reasons why movie computers are better than real computers.

 

1. Zoom And Enhance

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If a surveillance camera catches a suspect, if you're in a movie you can zoom in and enhance the image, making his face recognizable. This makes catching criminals easier, which is great, but come on. In real life, getting closer to an image doesn't make information that isn't there appear. That's like looking really closely at a Monet painting and hoping to find the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

 

2. Destroyed By Logic Puzzles

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Nothing is worse than getting the spinning rainbow wheel. In a movie universe, you can immediately take out your frustration by asking your computer what happens when you go back in time and kill your grandfather.

 

3. Controlled With Haphazard Keystrokes

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In movies, computers are so easy to operate that you can slap seemingly arbitrary keys to make things happen. The actors may as well throw the keyboard on the ground and roll around on it.

 

4. Artificial Intelligence Will Turn Sentient

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Any artificial intelligence in a movie is just one lightning storm away from being turned sentient. It'll happen, but will it turns evil, like Hal 9000, or good/ hot, like Lisa from Weird Science? This is a gamble, yes. High risk, high reward. I say go for it.

 

5. All Information Is Easily Searchable

Your computer can communicate with search engines and translate all of your intents, thoughts and purposes... basically reading the minds of the people using them in movies. Since there's no time in a movie to show the arduous search process, whatever your thinking of is always the first search result. That means that if you're in a movie, you can finally show your friends that one scene. You know, from that thing? UGH, it was like the coolest scene in that thing! This is going to bug me.

 

6. Passwords Can Be Guessed In Two Tries, Max

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Passwords are easily guessed, so long as you know the person whose password your hacking into. There's always some sort of character trait that reveals the password. This makes it really easy in movies for parents to hack into their children's e-journals. "Is that what they're called? 'E-journals'? Maybe her password is 'e-journals'".

 

7. Computers Make Noises

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Computers have to beep when anything happens so audiences know something has changed. Within the reality of the movie, this is saying that the characters are so excruciatingly dumb that they need a sound to know when they're doing computer stuff.

 

8. "Hackers" Can Bend Reality

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If you find someone who knows computers, a "hacker" if you will, you have basically found a key that unlocks a computer's ability to alter reality. Seriously, hackers in movies have the power of plot device-- anything your story needs to have happen will happen with a simple slap of their sweaty palms across the keyboard. So if you're in a movie and you need to clone a lemur or ski uphill, your hacker can probably make it happen by re-routing an IP address or something.

Any other crazy things computers can do in movies? Why else are movie computers better than real life computers? Tell us in the comments!

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