Seven Things That Won't Help You in a Dog Attack

As a Smosh Pit public service, Ian compiled this expertly illustrated list of ways not to survive a dog attack.


7. Stop, Drop, and Roll



While this may work for when you're on fire, Dog ≠ Fire




6. Say Mean Things About its Mother



This could work against a kid in 3rd grade, but dogs find mother jokes to be EXTREMELY offensive.




5. Coat Genitals with Peanut Butter



Unless you're into that kinda thing.




4. Cry



Killer dogs feed on tears of the weak.




3. Bark Back



If you bark back to it, chances are you just said something about its mother in dog language -- and we already know how that ends up.




2. Try to Make Out With It



Scientists have proven that all dogs are extremely homophobic. If a dog thinks you are trying to come onto him, and you're the same sex as it, prepare for that dog to commit some serious hate crimes on your ass.




AND THE #1 THING YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN A DOG ATTACK.....




1. Start Playing Anything by the Baha Men



And by "Anything by the Baha Men" I mean their song "Who Let The Dogs Out" because that's really the only song anybody knows from them.