Signs Destiny Wants You to Break Up
Look, we've all seen the 1990 James Belushi film "Mr. Destiny", in which James Belushi plays a man named John Destiny who breaks up couples and chooses heroes to vanquish dark wizards. At least I assume that's what Mr. Destiny is about, I haven't actually seen it. The point is, Destiny really has nothing better to do than choose heroes and decide who should be together with who. And since you're probably not going to be a hero, sorry, the only thing you can learn about destiny is whether or not you're supposed to be in your current relationship. Here's are some signs to look out for:
You keep getting hit by lightning when you're outside together
I once dated a girl for six months and whenever we were outside, rain or shine, I would be struck by lightning. I mean, you get hit by lightning three or four times and sure, maybe that's a coincidence, but literally every time you're outside during the curse of the relationship? It got to the point where my girlfriend was walking around with a defibrillator just so we could go on a picnic and eventually you've just got to ask yourself if it's worth it, you know?
You're a Montague and they're a Capulet
At best you and your lover's mutual suicides will bring your rival families together. So there's that, at least.
You find out you're adopted on your anniversary
Destiny wants people happy on their anniversaries, so if it wanted you to break up, the clear indication is that Destiny would throw you the most angry and confusing situation imaginable. If Destiny wanted you to stay together you would get what people in the child services industry call the "inverse adoption" where all your grandparents come back from the dead.
They have an Android and you have an iPhone
Or vice versa. Whatever. The point is, you're never going to be compatible with that other person because they're an idiot.
Your Chipotle burrito falls apart whenever you're together
Destiny is well aware that your significant other isn't going to look at you the same way after you've angrily spiked a Chipotle burrito on the floor of a crowded restaurant.
One or both of you has an incurable disease
Of all the despicable things Mandy Moore has done in her life, one of the worst was encouraging relationships between sick and healthy people that are destined to end in only heartache. Apparently she wants people to taste happiness only to have it ripped away by leukemia. You're a monster, Mandy Moore. God damn you. GOD DAMN YOU.
What are some other signs that you need to get the Hell out of a relationship? Let us know in the comments below!