Signs You Might Be A Real Life Forever Alone
No one wants to end up forever alone. And despite feeling that way sometimes, most likely you won't end up a perennial party of one. But sadly, there really are some people who will end up the real life equivalent of a potato-faced meme. Here are 8 signs that you will probably never need a Cosco membership.
Your Pet Hates You
Pets are supposed to be loyal companions that shower you with unconditional love. If you suspect your cat is trying to kill you, you're probably gonna end up forever alone or dead young. Pro tip: Your cat has a pre-planned escape route and is just waiting for you to light a candle. That's why its meow is starting to sound a lot like 'die in a fire.'
Even Your Family Can't Stand To Be Around You
Uncle Billy who drinks too much and barfed at the Thanksgiving table last year? Aw, he doesn't mean no harm! Your cousin Abigail who went on a reality show and got kicked off for having sex with a key grip? She's just young! But you? No excuses. They've just hated you since you were born for some inexplicable reason. In fact, the only thing your senile granny remembers is that you're to be shunned and mocked mercilessly.
No One Cares If You Have Bad Habits
If you smoke cigarettes, drive recklessly or eat MAYO FROM A JAR and nobody says a word to you about changing your bad habits, no one cares! The only thing keeping you company in your golden years will be your clogged arteries.
You're Overly-Obsessed With Something Lame
Having a Twilight tattoo in your forties is like a scarlet letter that symbolizes forever alone. You can forgive tweeners for liking lame things, but once you've passed 18, pining away for Bieber or Jacob Black makes you look friggin' pathetic. So, dear adult Twihards...you'll never have Taylor Lautner but you'll always have your custom-made werewolf pillow pet. No one can take that away from you. Or would want to.
Human Contact Causes You To Be Paralyzed With Fear
At first it will be kind of charmingly awkward. Then people will start to suspect that you might go on a killing rampage one day and blame Call of Duty for inducing your psychotic rage. At least the awkward hugs will stop.
Despite Being Cheerful And Friendly, You Still Enrage People
I don't know what it is...people who are smiling bundles of positivity just bring out the rage in people. Theses happy types are always there to offer a cliched kind word ("No worries!") that make you hate them even more. You can only hope that when they die alone they think to themselves, "Everything happens for a reason!"
You Are The Definition Of Derp
No one wants to be with a derp, even other derps. So the bad news is you'll be herpin' your own derp forever. The good news is these genes will never be passed on.
Even Being With People Who Supposedly 'Get' You Leaves You Feeling Dead Inside
Sometimes you're better off being forever alone.
What are some other signs that you will be forever alone? Let me know @desijedeikin or let's discuss in the comments below!