Signs You Need To Delete That Facebook Friend

I don't know about you, but I have a really hard time turning down a Facebook friend request. It seems so harsh to have a person ask to come into your life only to be shot down with an incredibly harsh "ignore". But even the generosity of the kindest man (me) has its' limits. Here are the signs to look for when it's finally time to unfriend that Facebook friend.

 

They link their Facebook to their Twitter

I do wish my Facebook friends could keep these separate. When I follow you on Twitter it's because I'm interested in what you have to say. If I friend you on Facebook it's because I'm too nice to ignore your friend request or you have a hot friend I want to date. Those things are mutually exclusive.

 

Depressing statuses that aren't elaborated upon

Listen, Facebook friend, I'm here for you if you need something. I mean, I won't reply on FB chat, but you know what I mean. But I've read books about feelings. I've heard that sometimes people have them. It's okay to be sad, but if you're going to say something say it. Don't be cryptic. You're writing your Facebook status, not the DaVinci Code follow-up entitled The Lost Symbol.

 

Posting pictures of their feet

DON'T GROSS GOD I HATE FEET GOD DON'T BE GROSS GO TO HELL UGH GOD GROSS.

 

They start spoiling Game of Thrones because they read the books

 

George R.R. Martin's books started out as great fantasy literature, but the moment that rad TV show launched on HBO, they became printed, published spoilers. There's not a lot people can do to make me more angry than spoiling TV shows. Did you know that the reason MySpace went away is because so many people were posting spoilers about Lost? That is quite possibly true!

 

They have a kid

I hate to say this, every Facebook friend I've ever had, but I hate your kids. Kids suck. They're the worst. They cry all the time and poop all over themselves. It's like dating a Kardashian (that was probably unfair). See, the thing is, everyone in the world hates everyone else's kids, but if you have this weird biological switch flip suddenly you find yourself protecting and caring for this stupid thing that can't even comprehend that when they close their eyes the other people in the room don't disappear, let alone have any insight into the Republican nomination process or Clooney's performance in The Descendants.

 

Pointless status updates

 

 

I shouldn't have to explain this, but just go watch movies. You might not like it, but Facebook isn't going to save you from a bad film. You don't need to set up a poll for Christ's sake. Would you do this for anything else besides movies? "Hey, has anyone tried this soap I found at the 99? Thinking about cleaning myself."

 

Changing their profile picture to, like, a Laker's logo

Profile pictures are for your face, genius. Unless you're friends with someone who literally has the face of the Los Angeles Laker's logo. In which case, congratulations on being so open-minded. I vowed I would never again be friends with someone with a basketball team's logo for a face. Not after Jeff.

 

What are your tell-tale signs of a Facebook friendship that's gone on past its' expiration point? Post them in the comments!

 

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