Sports That Should Appear in the Next Summer Olympics
Since it began the Summer Olympics has added several new sports to its roster, including synchronized swimming in 1984, taekwondo in 2000 and unarmored jousting for a regrettable 15 minutes in 1908. But that doesn’t mean the 2012 games in London can’t be improved with a few more necessary additions.
1. Beginner Swimming
Olympic swimming events are all about precision strokes and tenths of a second. But wouldn’t you be more willing to cheer a new swimmer for just making it to the other side? Or for that dramatic moment when they let go of their boogie board and tread water for the remaining 300 meters? Or for when they realize that they can float for the very first time without fear or without someone holding them? It’s those very moments that define Olympic competition.
2. Running Away
Nothing can make your eyes glaze over like watching people run around in a circle or endlessly through city streets. But what if they were being chased by someone wielding a knife? Or by a wild bear? Or by low flying, heavily armed helicopters? Now we’re talking excitement! True, the commentary and cheering would be drowned out by bloodcurdling screams. And yes, most of the athletes would probably just run off and hide rather than complete the race. But for those few competitors who eventually cross the finish line they would fully deserve a medal and any replacement vital organs available.
The problem with some Summer Olympic sports is their predictability. But with Calvinball—introduced in the comic strip “Calvin and Hobbes”—you would never have a chance to get bored. That’s because the one rule of Calvinball is that you make up the rules as you go. Typical scores are “Q to 12” and there is the occasional water balloon toss. The result is a sport that absolutely no one would understand—including the commentators—but everyone would be at the edge of their seats when the hobbyhorse and croquet mallets are brought out.
Isn’t it about time that the decathlon became a hendecathlon with the addition of the one sport that combines immense dexterity, complete commitment and knowing how many midair working chainsaws is too many? Events can even be filmed away from the usual stadium setting at street corners, children’s parties or down-and-out county fairs, allowing the athletes to perhaps make a little extra money with a nearby donation bucket.
Gold medals are all fine and dandy but who wouldn’t want to win an oversized comb or chattering teeth? Skee-ball would allow players of all ages, athletic prowess, and weight-and-blood-alcohol levels to compete, often while trying to show off to a girl or waiting for the arcade basketball hoops to open. Plus, the added incentive of collecting as many prize tickets as possible would result in intense competition that could last well until the bar’s closing or the prize redemption desk is out of plastic spiders.
6. Robot Cricket
Though popular in several countries, cricket remains quite baffling to many people. The cricket field can vary significantly in size and shape. The length of the game can last two innings or seemingly 107 days. And then there are such terms as “sticky wickets,” “zooters” and I believe “cornfloofle numtuckets.” But all this confusion can easily be remedied by the addition of robot players, who will quickly condense the game into a pulse-pounding, missile-blasting match the moment they feel threatened or become enraged over not knowing what the hell a “popping crease” is.
7. Lightsaber Fencing
One of the most obvious additions to the Summer Olympics is also the hardest to pull off. This is due in part to George Lucas owning the copyright to lightsabers and to the fact that no amount of protective headgear or Kevlar will prevent any athlete from being maimed, killed or curiously obliterated. That said, the sport would allow for competition to leave the mat and proceed inevitably into a central air shaft, all to a stirring orchestral score that would be a nice change from the usual dead silence and occasional grunt.
It only makes sense that, if the Summer Olympics are to take place in England, then J.K. Rowling’s sport should make its big premiere there. Of course, how exactly that would be done is beyond me, given that the game literally flies in the face of modern science (mostly because of its reliance on magic, another sticking point). So perhaps we can just go with something more manageable and logical, like, say, rollercoaster archery. But only if Luna Lovegood does the play-by-play commenting for that as well.
What are some sports you'd like to see at the next Smmer Olympics? Tell us in the comments!