6 Superheroes Who Should Really Be Sidekicks

The world is so full of superheroes (well, at least the world of superheroes is) that it only makes sense some of them may not be up to the task. Maybe their powers aren’t particularly, well, powerful. Maybe their costume or persona doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of criminals or even the elderly. So maybe they would be better off as another, more adept superhero’s sidekick, assistant, chauffeur or whatever they get called when it's time to pick up their boss’s laundry or dog poo…

 

Aquaman

Aquaman communicating with marine life in Superfriends cartoon

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: While he can communicate with marine life, fight alongside marine life, and probably make out with marine life, the fact that every one of those skills featured the word “marine” means Aquaman is of almost no use on land, where most crimes, outside of oil spills, toxic dumping, and various other chemicals that probably have given him ich or a flipper between his eyes by now, occur.

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Anyone whose superpowers don’t immediately disappear at low tide. Preferably someone land-based so the two can fight as “Surf & Turf.”

 

Hourman

Hourman posing in front of a clock

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: Yes, he may be getting his own series on the CW. But in addition to showing just how far off DC Comics is in duplicating Marvel's success, the Hourman TV show will also highlight the very problem of a superhero who can only be super for 60 minutes and only when he takes a secret vitamin called “Miraclo” that, quite frankly, sounds like it's used to fertilize grass. And while such a small timeframe assures Hourman will be entirely focused on the matter at hand, his symbol is an hourglass hanging around his neck that says loud and clear to any villain “just hold tight, set your timer, and before you know it his powers will be gone and you'll be able to beat him senseless with only a wiffle ball bat.”

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Batman, who has gone through so many Robins that he might now only be able to tolerate a sidekick for an hour before terminating their benefits package.

 

Ant-Man

Ant-Man running with the ants

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: Like Tony Stark, Ant-Man’s alter-ego Henry Pym is a brilliant scientist/inventor. Like Tony Stark, he will soon be getting his own Marvel superhero film. And just like Tony Stark, he was one of the founding members of The Avengers. So why does Tony Stark get to fly solo while we suggest Ant-Man report to a superior? For starters, he can’t stop changing his crime-fighting identity, from the giant size-reversal Goliath to Yellowjacket to even taking on his own girlfriend’s identity The Wasp. Second, that very capricious behavior may explain why he’s handed off the role of Ant-Man at least twice. And third, when your power is combating evil by coming at them like a mild irritant at a picnic, it’s best you have someone else there to prevent you from being flattened or sprayed.

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Someone like Hawkeye with the keen eyesight to spot Ant-Man anywhere, even when he gets lost in shag carpeting. Also — not counting his recent, fantastic comic book series — Hawkeye is often a background player and could use the ego boost that comes with being someone else’s boss.

 

The Punisher

The Punisher firing two gun with a psychotic expression

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: Over the years, The Punisher has become so obsessed with vengeance, bloodlust, and a shoot-first-then-ask-questions-as-you-shoot-the-corpse approach to his job that he is now too psychologically unsound to be on his own with guns, much less sporks, toothpicks, or those kindergarten safety scissors that can barely cut through air.

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Superman or any other hero The Punisher can’t just immediately shoot in the head when the two get into a disagreement over how to split the lunch tab.

 

Matter-Eater Lad

Matter-Eater Lad creating an escape tunnel by eating dirt

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: If your one power was that you could eat ANYTHING (and assuming each time you wouldn’t need an emergency colonoscopy immediately afterwards), would you seek out the spotlight that comes with being a solo superhero or fear most of the media would dub you “Intestinal Tapeworm Boy” and so secretly gnaw on the sides of building until the FDA approves a counteracting medicine or you can score its untested, unregulated equivalent in Mexico?

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Any hero not easily embarrassed in buffet lines.

 

Zan

Wonder Twin Zan in a scene from Superfriends cartoon

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Why He Shouldn’t Be the Lead Hero: As one-half of the sibling team/running gag that is The Wonder Twins, Zan is constantly hampering his far-more-powerful sister’s crime-fighting abilities. Not only can Zan only turn into water, frozen water, or water vapor (which would be a huge disability should there be a light breeze), but he also requires his animal-transforming sister to carry him in a bucket wherever they go, leading to a giant talking eagle having to stop saving the day because she’s accidentally spilling her brother’s torso all over the place.

Whose Sidekick Should He Be?: Perhaps as a friend to Aquaman after he's transformed into water and is poured into the ocean. This would give Aquaman someone to talk to other than fish until Zan starts to dissipate. At that point, his screaming, panicky conscious would be spread across the entire Pacific before disappearing completely.

 

Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!

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