6 Tense Situations Where It Pays to Have Played Stealth Video Games
I've played tons and tons of Metal Gear, but once I realized how infrequently I'm assigned missions to infiltrate enemy bases, I started to wonder if it might be a waste of time. But there is ABSOLUTELY a reason to play stealth video games — they'll teach you to get out of these incredibly tense situations. I hope you're prepared.
Accidentally getting off the elevator on the wrong floor
Everyone else in the elevator is going to think you're an idiot if you get back in, but what if someone else is getting out on that floor? This is, of course, the nightmare scenario, where you must take advantage of every nook and entryway to try and disappear from sight. If your mission is unsuccessful, everyone in the office building will know how dumb you are, your reputation as a human misfire will spread, you'll never get into a relationship, and your dog won't recover from his car accident, and the new Arrested Development will suck, and if you haven't been to college you never will and if you have been to college your degree will have to be returned.
Easter egg hunts
If you become a shadow, an idea, a myth, you're likely to collect more Easter eggs.
When breaking out of prison
Whatever your reason for wanting to break out of prison — maybe you were wrongly convicted of your wife's murder. Maybe you embezzled from your company. Maybe you were rightly convicted of your wife's murder — you'll be better at it if you've played Splinter Cell.
Watching movies that have sex scenes with your parents
It's cool that you and your dad have the kind of relationship where you can hang out and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall together, but no one is cool enough with their parents to sit comfortably through a sex scene together. Hopefully you've put in enough time playing stealth video games to escape so your father will only find an empty seat next to him when he looks over awkwardly out of the corner of his eye. Otherwise, the only way your father will ever again look at you will be awkwardly out of the corner of his eye.
Your ex's wedding
Seeing someone you used to love get married can be emotional, sure, but it can be awkward as well, so you'll want to avoid detection. Especially from your ex's new life partner, since they're sure to ask why you came. That can be a tricky question to answer, especially since you probably don't even know YOURSELF why you came.
If you find yourself taken hostage at the bank by armed robbers, any knowledge you have in terms of sneaking away will be valuable. You'll at least do better than the guy who played a bunch of Mortal Kombat and tries to hit the robbers with a flying bicycle kick, because that guy is definitely getting shot.
How have you used stealth skills to just only barely get by in day-to-day society? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!