Text Messages from Minor Video Game Characters
They’re never been the stars. They’ve never gotten their due. They almost never say a single word. But thanks to a court order demanding complete access to their phone records, we now finally get to see what’s on the minds of video games’ minor characters…
Background Citizen, "Grand Theft Auto"
Texts: “How can a city have 6 hookers for every guy? What kid of economic model is that?” “Well, looks like another one of my favorite restaurants was shot up.” “Great. Got run over again. Insurance company is so gonna drop me.” “Beginning to feel a lot of nasty stuff was done inside my stolen Geo.”
Villager, "Legend of Zelda"
Texts: “Funny, had no idea we could text in olden times. Oh crap, that mute elf just showed up.” “Got rid of elf by sending him on an errand that took FOREVER to explain.” “Elf not back yet. Should have known there’d be trouble when he walked into tree.” “Funny how when elf isn’t here it feels like I don’t even exist.”
Goomba, "Super Mario World"
Texts: “Eww! Mario had sh*t on his shoe when he stepped on me.” “Man, I hope all of these aren’t sewage pipes.” “Wait, floating boxes have money inside?!” “Are we shitake? I feel like we’re shitake mushrooms.” “Even I know there’s no honor in dying by my hand.”
Tourist, "Wii Sports Resort"
Texts: “Paid all this money and it seems like only two people get to do all the activities.” “I fear there isn’t a single bar on this entire island.” “Wait, is Wuhu Island where they did all those nuclear bomb tests in the 50’s?” “Lots of focus on swordplay and archery for an island resort. Oh God, they’re training us to kill each other for their amusement, aren’t they?”
Audience Member, "Mortal Kombat"
Texts: “Gotta say, not how I thought I’d spend my afternoons as a monk.” “RIPPED HIS FREAKING SPINE OUT!!! God, wish I was quicker with the phone’s camera.” “Guess everybody thought this seemed like a nice day for the orange sash look.” “Should we be cheering? I feel like we should be cheering. Or crying. Or blinking.”
War Correspondent, "Halo"
Texts: “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!” “OHNYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!” “WHAT THE F*** ARE THOSE THINGS?! RELIGIOUS LIZARD SOLDIERS?!” “I bet I get an Emmy for my reporting.”
Are there any background characters you wonder about? Let us know in the comments!