Things Animals Would Say if They Could Talk

This weekend the film “Zookeeper” opens, in which we learn that not only do animals talk but they also waste that skill on Kevin James. But what if animals were to address people outside of a poor choice at your local multiplex? What would they say to humanity at large? Here are but a few possible remarks.


1. “Why Do The Kardashians Have A TV Show?”


Even in down time animals are always watching, whether it’s for predators, intruders or BBC nature film crews. But animals don’t understand why humans spend their own leisure time watching untalented brats, housewives scream at each other in hideously decorated mansions or a seemingly endless stream of people from New Jersey. After all, watching such shows not only doesn’t protect your shelter and food supply but also makes you vulnerable to countless reality TV spinoffs, many of them starring something called a “Bethany.”


2. “Stop Showing Only Goofball Animals On YouTube.”


Whenever wild animals get on the Internet—either while you’re asleep or while they’re sipping a Tazo tea at Starbucks—they are disgusted by how they’re portrayed on YouTube. Cats caught barking. Baby penguins giggling like they’re possessed. That damn dramatic chipmunk (who other chipmunks will be quick to tell you is actually a prairie dog, if only to save themselves the embarrassment from his overacting). Instead, animals would rather be seen as they see themselves—smart, proud, refined creatures who judge others not by their crazy antics but by how pungent their butts smell.


3. “Don’t Dress A Monkey.”


Animals are often shocked by what humans consider safe pets. Yes, dogs seem all too happy to be domesticated by people and people seem all too happy to be domesticated by cats. And yes, occasionally someone will have a pet snake simply because they don’t like houseguests. But having a pet monkey is like naming a time bomb “Bobo.” That’s because monkeys attack if you make eye contact with them. Monkeys also attack when you’re not looking at them. And monkeys attack because it’s 3 pm and something has to bleed and scream. And should you ever try to give it a tutu, leash or 8’ high protective concrete barrier, be prepared to learn what the phrase “hell on earth” truly means.


4. “Will Humans Die If They Stop Drinking Coffee?”


Animals drink water to live or because sink faucets are just too darn compelling. But judging from the sheer volume and frequency people consume coffee, animals can’t help but believe that 75% of the human body is Arabica beans. Perhaps animals think coffee drinking has become a far more flavorful alternative to constant blood transfusion. Perhaps they think it adds necessary viscosity for internal organ operations. Or perhaps they think humans just love paying 400% mark-up for anything that comes with a cardboard sleeve or ends in the suffix “ccino.”


5. “For The Last Time, Lemmings Do Not Jump Off Of Cliffs.”


For decades people believed that lemmings committed suicide by walking off cliffs or into the water, thanks to a 1958 Disney nature documentary called “White Wilderness.” But then it was revealed that the film crew cruelly forced the lemmings to jump off the cliff just to get interesting footage. Since then lemmings have tried to get their revenge on mankind by encouraging more people to drive unsafe SUVs, get them to eat unhealthy food loaded with corn fructose or just try to make “The Hunger Games” a reality.


6. “”Why Can’t Every Animal Have A Sports Team Named After Them?”


It often seems like only the most vicious or aggressive animals get sports teams named after them. The Detroit Lions. The Detroit Tigers. The Detroit Frothing Bloodthirsty Bears with Knives. But if a gentler creature like the Cardinal can get a baseball team named after it then why not the Houston Hummingbirds? The Kansas City Kuddly Koalas? The Seattle So So Sweet Slow Lorises? In fact, within a few months the entire sports world could be filled with adorable, lovable, huggable team logos that absolutely no boy over the age of three would ever pay to wear on a T-shirt or cap.


7. “What Does It All Mean?”


Just like humans, animals often ponder the weighty philosophical questions: “What’s the meaning of life?” “Why are we here?” “Should I have spent all those years in grad school?” But unlike humans, animals then quickly snap out of it and go back to living. So the lesson is while it’s perfectly natural to focus on the big picture, just like animals don’t forget to run in a field, splash in the water and avoid hungry hawks.


8. “How On Earth Do Kevin James And Rosario Dawson Wind Up As A Couple In ‘Zookeeper’?”


Animals attract a mate through many means, including bright plumage, a special call, a show of strength or even a particular dance. But no animal can think of a single technique in which Kevin James could possibly attract Rosario Dawson. Or how that other schlubby guy got Rosario Dawson in “Clerks 2.” In other words, on the whole animals think Rosario has really been getting the short end of the stick when it comes to mates in romantic comedies.

Waht do you think animals would say of they could? Are you scared to find out? Let us know in the comments!

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