10 Things I Wish My Car Could Do

So I was watching TV and a commercial came on for the new Ford Toyotabird, which has a feature in which a seductive woman reads your facebook newsfeed to you. Naturally, I thought about how stupid this was for several hours. But instead of concentrating on my negativity, I decided to fill a glass halfway with water and look on the bright side. So put together a list of 10 awesome things that I wish my car would do.

 

10. Bounce

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Did you guys know that car accidents account for 100% of unintentional auto collisions? Come on science, get your damn head in the game. It’s 2011, why do I still drive a death trap that implodes if I love tap the guy in front of me? How hard would be to flubberize bumpers and make it so when you hit someone your car just bounces back and you both have a good laugh about it?

 

9. Wifi

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Okay this one is a little more realistic. Why can’t our radio panels be replaced by an interactive, wifi equipped, touch screen? You could upload to it the way you would a phone or an ipod. It could store your iTunes, play Pandora, read allowed NPR articles. And it would be no more distracting then when I’m doing all that stuff on my phone now.

 

8. Witty Banter

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You guys ever see Nightrider? No? I want rapport with my vehicle. You know what’s better than talking to yourself about how your boss is crazy on your hour-long commute home? Talking to a robot. He can also say things like “hubba hubba” when a pretty girl walks by. And you can shake your head and say, “typical Carl.” (Car + Language = CAR L)

 

7. Adjust to Outside Temperature

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Even if the automobile is off, it could have a separate computer that allows cooling or warming to kick in at certain times. So if you park by the beach you can have your car chilling out a half hour before you’re ready to leave. Also, this could lead to AMAZING prank wars between siblings.

 

6. Turn Invisible

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God, science, you’re killing me on this one. How hard is it to make my car disappear? Some of us have jobs that require us to park outside of ex-girlfriends’ apartments all night to make sure they’re not dating anyone. Also, I personally don’t like when the drive through guy at Del Taco starts to recognize me as Honda. Do you know how many Hondas there are? That means I’m there more than ANY OTHER HONDAS! Just give me my damn invisibility, science.

 

5. Set the Mood

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So the other day I had this smokin’ hot gurl in my car and I just couldn’t set the mood. I was flipping through the radio stations bein' all like “hey you like jazz?” And she was all, “let me out or I’m calling the cops!” And I was all like, “does this rag smell like chloroform?” My point is that cars should have settings. Party Mode throws on some dim blue fluorescents and a techno mix; Romantic Mode emits a lovely potpourri smell and some Marvin Gaye, you get the idea.

 

4. Drive itself like a Roomba

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Why is the Roomba the only part of the future that we have right now? My car should totally do that. And since it’s now bouncy it wont matter when it bumps into walls. A kid in my 6th grade science fair made a car that followed a line on a piece of paper and drove itself around a maze. That kid should work for GM.

 

3. Extend the Wheels Like in the Gadget Mobile so I can Park Above Another Car When There are No Parking Spots.

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Alright, dude, science, you’re really starting to piss me off. How simpler can I make this? Sometimes there is no parking, and when that happens I should be able to park ABOVE someone. Getting down would be a whole other story but let’s put a pin in that for now. The point is we need to stop this lateral thinking and start moving up and down.

 

2. Mini Fridge/Microwave Combo

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Xibit gets it... I don’t get why Amurrca doesn’t. You wanna bring back the Detroit auto industry? Have them install mini fridges and microwaves in the center of every Ford Toyazda they make from now on. Road trips, long commutes, funeral processions; you know what people want more than anything else in these situations? Food.

 

1. Fly

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When I was kid I wanted nothing more than a flying car and the ability to understand my body. I’m 25 and I have neither. And I know a flying cars a long way off, but I’m just hoping I see them within my lifetime. I can’t remember a time when people were happy about driving, or even just felt like it was a positive experience. All we want in this crazy, crazy world is the ability to grow and change for the better…and to F@#ING FLY! COME ON SCIENCE!

What do you wish your car could do? Or do you just wish you had a car?

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