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Things There Aren’t Apps For

In part of my campaign against humanity and order, I thought it appropriate to start with defiling everyone’s favorite cult, Apple.To get right to the heart of the company, I’ll be listing all the potentially-useful, nonexistent iPhone/iPad apps I think they need to create, but haven't.

 

1. Shutting Up that Baby On The Plane

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When all you’re trying to do is watch that crappy movie that’s playing on that crappy screen that you can barely see, and a baby’s unending cries are disturbing your hearing of that crappy dialogue, don’t you wish there were an app to Shut Up That Baby™?

 

2. Finding Osama

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To the best of my knowledge, the special ops team didn’t use any apps in tracking Osama. That would be a great commercial, though: “Click, point, de-terrorize. The new iPhone 5.” Did I just reveal that new feature? 

 

3. Playing Really Stupid Free Games

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Just kidding.

 

4. Keeping Your Grandmother Out Of Trouble

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You know how those old ladies get, when they congregate and get into all sorts of mischief, like mahjong and assassinations.

 

5. Blocking That Annoying Girl On Facebook

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Don't you just love this girl's inspirational quotes? “You have to learn to forget the people that forgot about you,” “Don't plead for a Second Chance…Do it right the First Time,” etc. It’s just horrible and it makes me want to vomit. There needs to be a Facebook filtering app.

 

6. Teleportation

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Cars are so yesterday.

 

7. Walk Your Dog

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Why should we have to do anything? Manual labor is for the birds, and the peasants, and the manual laborers.

 

8. Finding Your Baby

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They just so easily slip away! They’re JUST like butter!

What app do you want there to be? Tell us in the comments below!

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16 Comments

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38 weeks ago

Virtual pants app
All the concealing properties of pants, with all the breeze of not wearing any.

39 weeks ago

i want an app for app's

39 weeks ago

An umbrela app....

39 weeks ago

wait..theres not apps for that?

39 weeks ago

well, the last one... nvm.

39 weeks ago

Why does it always post my damn comment twice?

39 weeks ago

Contract Killer is on that list of games! I love Contract Killer! :D

39 weeks ago

Contract Killer is on that list of games! I love Contract Killer! :D

39 weeks ago

8# !

39 weeks ago

asian pown: does it really matter if u prevent someone saying 1st???

39 weeks ago

6th BITCHES

39 weeks ago

5ft yay!

39 weeks ago

Fourth!! YES! finally got credit on something... What about a Smosh app..?

39 weeks ago

i can never prevent somebody from being first!!!

39 weeks ago

Vagina app. Cuz I like dem vagina.

39 weeks ago

first!!!