Things You Should Never Stuff Down Your Pants

Recently a man was arrested in Kentucky after he was caught with four pounds of chicken stuffed in his pants. Yes, he was drunk. Although it should be obvious what you should and shouldn’t stuff in your pants… in the interest of public safety I’ve created a list of things that are definitely a bad idea.

 

Habanero Chili Peppers

Fire crotch is a funny word for a ginger. But there ain’t nothing funny about your crotch being on fire. Unless you make a jackass style video of habaneros burning your loins and put it on Youtube. Because watching other people suffer immense ball pain is always funny no matter how many times I see it!

 

Chinese Finger Trap

Have fun in the emergency room explaining to a doctor what the hell happened. The secret is to relax. And it’s very difficult to relax when a bunch of male nurses are snickering as they try to pull it off. This is how urban legends are born.

 

Bush’s Baked Beans Secret Recipe

This is just crazy. Duke, the golden retriever, has been waiting years to sell this recipe! He ain’t about to let you ruin everything cause you decide to lay a deuce in a public restroom and accidentally let it tumble out of your trousers. Prepare to have Duke go Cujo on your a**.

 

The Lincoln Park Rapist

They still gon find him, so you best not be letting him hide in yo pants! I would not want my crotch to get in a catfight with Antoine Dodson. He looks like he would rip a b*tch’s weave off and I don’t wear easy remove extensions down there.

 

Lenin Cat

Lenin Cat will turn your pants into a kitteh kommune. Things will be great until one day in the future when the Great Leader starts rationing the cat nip. Then you’ll have a furry revolution in your pants and that is not as good as it might sound.

 

Your Grandma’s Ashes

You and grandma were super close. But I think her deathbed request that you always carry her with you was figurative. Now your super close relationship seems super creepy. Just put her remains in a lovely antique vase you keep on your nightstand like the rest of the serial killers do.

 

Horcrux

Yeah sure you might enjoy getting hit with an Engorgio spell but you do not want Aveda Kedavra coming anywhere near what’s in your pants. Cause that part would be dead forever and if you think you could still have a satisfying life with a broken wand, you best talk to your grandpa.

 

This Guy’s Virginity

Seriously? It is absolutely unnecessary to put this guy’s virginity in a safe place. He has absolutely no chance of losing it.

What are some other things we should never put in your pants? Aparrently we have to actually go over this cuz this guy didn't get the memo. Let us know in the comments!

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