Top Five Biggest Murderers in the Nintendo Universe!
We all know more killing goes on in the video world than the real world. The former Premier of Russia Joseph Stalin, probably history's most prolific murderer, put between 15 and 20 million people in the ground. Meanwhile, the Halo community has racked up over 136 BILLION kills. When we think about how much death occurs in video games, however, we never think about NINTENDO. But that doesn't mean the comapny responsible for bouncy, happy plumbers and smiley electric yellow mice are without blood on their hands. Here are the top five murders in Nintendo history.
5. Samus Aran
Did you ever play Metroid 2? That was a game where the entire point was to LITERALLY EXTERMINATE AN ENTIRE RACE. Can you imagine how bad you'd feel after exterminating an entire race? The only thing I've exterminated was an entire box of my roommate's Pop Tarts and I felt AWFUL.
Ganondorf had seven straight years to do whatever he wanted to the citizens of Hyrule while Link was trapped in some sort of time travel-induced slumber. So now you've got a tyrant with the whole goddamn Triforce and a serious chip on his shoulder. How do you think Ganondorf dealt with his dissenters? By sitting down and having an open, honest discussion about thier issues? NO. The answer is BLADES. Blades in their FACE.
3. Fox McCloud
Star Fox 64 is the only Nintendo game to feature a running tally of the lives you've ended at the top left of the screen. And besides that, at the end of the game, McCloud actually issues General Pepper a BILL based on the number of pilots he killed. General Pepper is then heard to exclaim "That's a steep bill!", but it's NOTHING compared to the cost Fox is paying vis a vis his eternal soul.
I don't know if Wario has a ton of RECORDED kills on his record, unless we're counting Smash Bros. — in which case, Solid Snake automatically tops this and EVERY list about killing.
But doesn't Wario just feel like the kind of guy who has a ton of bodies under his house? If Wario's back yard was ever dug up I'd say there'd be a minimum of five families who would finally get the closure after their daughters never came back from spring break.
1. This specific Goomba
Think about this — everyone who's EVER PLAYED A VIDEO GAME has picked up the original Super Mario Bros. For most of us, it was our first game. So all video game players met this very Goomba as their first challenge in video games. And if you've never played a game before, you don't understand JUMP MECHANICS. You don't get TIMING. You barely know to move from left to right! There is an incredibly good chance that, on your first try with Mario, this Goomba killed you.
Just think about that for a second. Every grandparent who ever picked up a controller to impress their grandkids. Every baby that drooled a little too hard on a d-pad. Every grad student so exhausted with their thesis that they thought they'd take up a new, electronic hobby. Every Disneyland mascot who thought it'd be funny to play with their bulky costume still on. Everyone who'se ever played video games — THIS GOOMBA HAS TOUCHED THEIR LIVES.
In a way, this Goomba gives humanity a touchstone. How can you hate your nosy neighbor, your high school bully, the Republican nominee for president? They share a tragedy with you and I both — we've all been killed by this Goomba. How can there be disagreements between us now? We're all humans, and we're all in this together.
And therefore, that's it! Hatred is over! Let's all of humanity go out together for tiramisu to celebrate!
Anyone who you think has committed greater crimes against humanity in the Nintendo universe? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!