Top 5 Places To Invade Once We Leave Afghanistan

So a close friend of mine got back from Afghanistan this past week, which is awesome! But it got me thinking, while these wars in the Middle East are ongoing, the luster and immediacy has sort of dissipated. We’re going to need a new place for Amurrca to invade and we’re going to need it soon. So I decided to put together a list of the 5 places Amurrca should invade next.

 

5. New Zealand

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It’s Australia’s Canada and it’s obnoxious. Such a wonderful island nation completely wasted on New Zealanders. Amurrca needs a new vacation territory and with the speed at which we travel increasing exponentially, New Zealand should be it! It has all the essentials. Baller accents, check. Beaches, check. A literacy rate of 99% that can inflate Amurrcan education statistics, double check!

 

4. Sweden

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Sweden is guilty! Of HANDSOMENESS! It’s by far the best looking place with the best looking people anywhere ever. And it’s no wonder they’ve gotten as far as they have. They’ve been able to avoid every war ever and still reap massive benefits. I say it’s go time and we challenge Sweden to a good ol’ fashioned blood sport.

 

3. France

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France is like the kid who makes fun of the bully whenever he’s out of the room, but the second Amurrca steps back inside they get quiet and suck up. I think it’s time to end the France vs. Amurrca dispute once and for all. The worst fight in the world is one between someone preaching peace and someone preaching war, because the end result isn’t even up for debate. Just ask the Polish.

 

2. Utah

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I don't know about the military, but I'm pretty tried lately. Why travel? Taking over Utah would be like the invasion version of a "staycation." Plus, the troops can go snowboarding on weekends.

 

1. Vancouver

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The recent riots over the Blue Jays losing the Indie 500 or whatever the hell happened was deplorable. They rioted in the streets for no reason while people in other countries deal with totalitarian governments and famine. And to this I say…

Well done Vancouver. That’s the most Amurrcan thing I’ve seen a foreign city do in a very long time. Welcome. We don’t even have to invade. Just give them a passport, a gun and a Jesus and they’re in. Hope you enjoy being the 51st state!

War is no joke, but jokes are. Tell us where you think we should meddle next; either in the comments section below or by tweeting it at me @DanBorrelli and remember guys, it’s sexy…

 

 

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