Tourism Brochure for HELL
Note: The is the borcure for MY Hell. Yours may vary and problably has more Ke$ha.
WELCOME! To the most magical place not on Earth!
The demons of Hell would like to share their eternity with you. We hope this guide serves as a welcoming informational packet highlighting many of the amenities we have here in Hell for you to enjoy. “Oh man it’s hot, is that fire?” Nope! Just the warmth of hospitality! Let’s take a look around shall we…
The Helliday Inn Master Suite
This 1bedroom/2bath hotel room makes the Hangover suite look like a Detroit apartment. We have all the latest in comfort. Including; a peaceful windowless/colorless environment, round-the-clock industrial construction going on right outside your room, 1 television station that plays an endless marathon of Jersey Shore highlights (Snooki only), and many more. But don’t spend your ENTIRE eternity indoors using your complimentary NetZero dialup connection. Hell has so much else to offer!
The Kings Of Kountry Karaoke
Every night is karaoke night here in Hell. And The Kings of Kountry are here to play all your favorite hits. From Garth Brooks to more Garth Brooks. Join the rambunctious crowd of gun-toting “redneck” boys and overweight sorority girls in some sing-a-long fun! And remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re good, just that you’re loud. Every Thursday is Jimmy Buffett night!
The Hitler Look-A-Like Contest
Rumor has it, that Adolf Hitler himself partook in this contest once and came in third. Participants are judged on costume, facial resemblance, and passion for genocide. And make sure to check out last years contest this Sunday at 8pm on The History Channel.
That’s right. Hell now has it’s first ever petting zoo. All the animals are here for you and your unbaptized kids to enjoy! We have dozens of animals; donkeys, lamas, ponies, Amy Winehouses, Zebras, even a Dolphin tank! It’s hours of fun in the sun for the whole family! And it’s free! ($95 to park)
Hell Hath No Fury Like 80's Fashion
Another great feature to the land down under is that we don’t have to play by the physical restraints of space and time. So here in hell, it’s always 1985! That’s right folks, you get to spend the rest of your life listening to Regan speeches on AM radio while smoking your cigarettes indoors. So if you’re still living, go and have that affair, murder that family, cause once you’re down here it’s a full on culture club!
The Olive Garden
Hell offers the very best in fine dining. Ever wonder how a salad could taste greasy? Olive Garden. Ever want to eat your weight in fettuccini? Olive Garden. Need to feed that craving for authentic Italian style “red sauce?” Olive Garden! Now with all you can eat breakfast!
State Of The Art Transportation
Mussolini could make the trains run on time; and it’s a good thing we got him! Since driving in Hell can be a bit a tough with all the construction and constant traffic on the 666, we offer convenient public transportation at a low cost to you. For just $89 a month you can get a round the clock bus ticket (with black out dates) to catch the bus at any of our 3 ideal bus stops. Or take the Metro! With two whole trains that each sit 35 people, you’re sure to have a quick and painless commute every morning. And since none of these transits run on a “schedule,” guessing when they arrive is half the fun!
It’s spelled H-E-double hockey sticks for a reason, folks. We only have one sport here in Hell, Hockey. Each week you can watch the 7th circle Death Demons go toe-to-toe with the New Jersey Devils. And since New Jersey is technically the 1st layer of Hell, tickets are just 5 bucks!
M. Night Shyamalan Sin-O-Plex
If sports aren’t your thing we offer a great variety of horror and suspense movies from Academy Award Attendee M. Night Shyamalan. Come spend an afternoon in a far off Village or deciphering the meaning of alien Signs. Each screening is followed by a 4 hour Q&A with Mr. Shyamalan in which he talks about how great he is at everything. Most movies intended for a mature audience.
Fiddle Lessons From The Devil
The world famous lord of the strings gives a free fiddle-playing seminar every Sunday at 11am in lounge 13 of the Helliday Inn. Here, you can learn all the fiddle playing skills that can make you the next Charlie Daniels. Great for kids of all ages!
The nightlife in Hell is to die for. Again! Club Fuego is the hottest club on the strip and almost always has a line, so come ready to party V.I.P. style. Once your inside it’s an impressive ratio of 54:1 guys:girl. What’s up party people!? And with mandatory bottle service starting at just $400 a pint, you don’t have to break the bank. Thursday nights are all Linkin Park all the time with D.J. AM!
We hope you enjoy your stay in Hell and hope you make an eternity of memories. For customer assistance you can contact @danborrelli on twitter, or call 1-666-666-6666.
What are some other great attractions in hell? Let us know in the comments!